Ep. 113 Rethinking Self Sabotage

Hi, and welcome to the mindful shape podcast. I'm Paula Parker. I'm here to help you release excess weight and also have food live in the background of your life versus thinking about it all the time. Right now I'm recording this podcast. It's a little bit later in the day. Usually I do it earlier, but given my schedule today, it was just a little bit later and it's already dark.

It's four 30 and it's dark outside. And I had a real mental switch. On this and coaching is all about perspective shifts. And so I thought I would share this with you because it kind of changed my life, which was if you live in a place where it gets dark really early, what you will notice is that it affects your mood and, you know, people complain about it a lot.

It's That's a very popular topic of conversation to complain about how dark it is, but there's nothing that we can do about it. There's, unless we change the timing, like we have daylight savings, unless we change that, we are going to experience darkness. And so here's what I want to offer is that you are open to the possibility that you could like it, right?

What if you could like it? What if you could decide, you know, what's really great about it being so dark is that you're in the cover of darkness. When you go outside, no one can really see you. You can wear warm, comfy clothes and you're kind of hidden and you can kind of keep to yourself and it's really cozy indoors because you can set the lighting up really nicely and you can see the stars and the moon and all of these like nice things that we have in the darkness.

So I just want to plant the seed that if you are somebody who really struggles with the darkness, that you can do that. You open yourself to thinking about it slightly differently, just so that you can slightly change your relationship with it so that it doesn't affect your mood. Okay, so let's get started.

What are we talking about today? Self sabotage. You are likely thinking of overeating as a form of self sabotage. We say things like, I just keep doing this, I know what to do, and yet I keep sabotaging myself. And I think when we say that, or think at enough times, We start to really believe it. So let's just follow that thread because if we believe that we are in fact, sabotaging ourselves, we are both the victim and the villain.

So the victim is helpless and the villain is just plain mean, but you are neither of those things really. So I want to clean up this thought error or this error in your line of thinking around overeating being an act of self sabotage, because I don't think it is at all. And I think if we stop calling it that and we start seeing it for what it is, we won't waste all of our time, you know, swirling the drain with pointless, defeating questions like why do I keep sabotaging myself?

So consider that you've been overeating as a strategy. It's a strategy that doesn't serve you. Maybe it served you at one point, but it definitely doesn't serve you now. But you learned it along the way in order to cope with an emotional state you didn't know how to deal with. So you didn't know how, you didn't know what to do, so you turned to food.

And food was likely readily available, convenient, relatively cheap, or maybe if you were a kid you didn't even have to pay any money. And it was accessible. So it was a very rational choice. In order to choose something to change your state, likely you even had a parent like I did who was doing the same thing or encouraging you to eat when you feel bad.

They mean well, okay, but it builds an association for us. If I complained growing up, my mom with love and care for me would say, eat something, you'll feel better. Okay. Or maybe your parents were super strict when it came to food and now you find yourself rebelling against that as an adult. So your line of thinking is, you know what?

No one can tell me what to do with food. I'm going to eat this, right? I can eat what I want. Thank you very much. So. Whenever you turn to overeating, that's all that has happened. Your brain chose to change its current state. And the quickest way to change our neurological and physiological state when it comes to food is sugar and flour, because of how quickly it's processed in the body.

So it worked, it worked as a strategy for you. It worked to temporarily change your state, which is what your brain needed. It needed to feel better. You want it to feel differently. And remember, it's not always that you feel sad and eat. It's more likely that you feel tired, stressed, low levels of discontent, maybe mildly anxious.

And you have the thought about food. Your brain suggests eating. Or maybe you're in a good mood. And then you see the food that looks delicious, you want it, you tell yourself no, then you feel deprivation. And it's the deprivation that you eventually need to get out of. Meaning you white knuckle it, feeling deprived, for a little while, as long as you can, and then you eat.

And this is all that happened the last time you ate something off plan or off track or you ate until you were uncomfortable, the last time you so called self sabotaged. Your brain has been getting Over rewarded with food. So your brain starts to use food whenever you feel bad because it's a reward system So I want you to consider that you simply didn't have a better strategy I remember coaching with my coach a long time ago And I was complaining because I was working in nine to five and a serving job in the evenings and weekends Because I was trying to pay off my debt and she said When I was complaining, she said, this is simply the best strategy you have right now for making money and my shoulders relaxed because instead of dwelling on, you know, the suckiness of my situation for the first time, it occurred to me that I could make money.

Find a better strategy that that was even possible that this was just a strategy issue, a money strategy issue, not a me issue, like a lack in me or a life issue. Like life sucks. Life is hard. Right? No, it was, I was still, you know, kind of miserable. It wasn't like it changed everything in that moment, but at least now I had a new way to look at it and I had a new outlook.

And so my perspectives shift. And that's what coaching is about. Meaningful perspective shifts like this one. So I could figure out a better strategy, which I did. So that was the early days of Airbnb. And so it was really the wild west and there weren't any rules and regulations like there are now, at least where I live.

And so I started renting out my apartment and then I quickly got another Airbnb. And I was able to, you know, make money in a way that wasn't, you know, didn't require me to be. Making money off of tips. So I want to offer you the same shoulder drop. This is not a you problem. It's definitely not a self sabotaging issue.

It's exactly the opposite. It's a survival strategy. And when you have a better strategy, you won't need this one anymore. You won't need food. So what are some strategies that you can learn instead? Let's talk about that. It's not hard to not pick up the blueberry muffin. What's hard is feeling the deprivation you get when you tell yourself no.

So the answer isn't removing all muffins from the earth. It's not ensuring that you never encounter one again, or that you avoid all temptation. It's learning how to get rid of the deprivation, and until it's gone, learning how to hold space for it, how to allow it. So what do I mean here? Let's talk specifically.

For a while, maybe even a long time, what you consider a long time, you will have pretty convincing justifications about overeating that happen in the moment, that happen in that time where you just really want it, where your brain is saying, I just really want it. One's like, you know, it's not that big of a deal.

You deserve it. They're only convincing because you've practiced them so many times. You've practiced that way of thinking so many times and then complied. So your brain keeps offering it up because it's a system that works. You need to be equally, if not more convicted in changing this line of thinking.

It helps to see that It's not what you truly want. What you truly want is to feel powerful, to feel great in your clothes and in your body, to move with, you know, ease and effortlessly. What you truly want is waking up every day at your natural weight, but because you don't have a better strategy yet, you're settling for the muffin.

It also helps to see that it is a big deal over time. When your brain offers up, you know, it's not going to make that big of a difference. It's not a big deal over time. It is because compounded. It has an effect because if you practice complying again, instead of allowing, you're not practicing how to allow an urge for the, for the food.

And we're not building evidence that you can do it. But as I say, in the meantime, you're going to be working on this. You're going to be working on how you, changing how you see it and what you're thinking. You can also practice more practical, you know, behavioral change kind of stuff to allow versus resisting when you feel an urge to overeat.

So allowing an urge is different than white knuckling it. White knuckling is resisting. Resisting feels tight in your body. There's tension. It really drains your energy. It has more of a racy, kind of rushed, frantic quality or energy to it. Allowing is softer. Allowing is acceptance. It's opening. It's walking toward.

It's noticing what's happening in your mind. and body in real time. It's really a mindfulness practice. It's slowing down. It's checking in with yourself, asking what you need, attending to yourself, feeling what comes up and noticing what happens as you sit with it instead of reaching for the food. Notice part of this practice is I say, and attending to that's key instead of thinking as overeating as self sabotage.

Think of it as a part of you, a version of you, who needs attention. There's a part of you that needs something. And currently you're not likely pausing long enough to find out what that is. Simply because your brain is on autopilot with eating instead. So you're, the food is the distraction and you're distracted with the food and you're focused on the food.

It's kind of like saying to yourself, you know what, I don't have time for this. And you just, just have a cookie. Have you ever kind of seen that with kids or something? It's like, I don't want to deal with this. Like watch a show. I don't want to deal with this. Just eat the thing. Right? Like I don't care.

It's kind of like that. So then we miss the opportunity to give ourselves what we really need. Maybe a break, affection, fun, adventure. Really that feeling of aliveness is a big one. But that part of you will continue to try and get your attention. It's just in the form of desire for food. So let's just start listening.

The next time you want to overeat, I want you to plant the seed now to pause. Just check in. Don't even make a decision. Don't make a call on whether you will eat the food or not. Maybe you'll eat it. Maybe you won't, but just check in. What is it that I really want right now? Is it just to feel better? What do I need?

I promise you that if you can just get in the habit of doing this, You will notice a shift. You will notice the food seems less powerful, like it doesn't have that much of a draw or power over you. You will not feel like you're at the mercy of food, because you will feel more in control. Even if you still eat the food, it will be an entirely different experience.

So I hope you will try that. I hope that you will practice it. Think of it as a practice, so you don't even have to do it every time. Don't try to do it once, and then it doesn't work. You're not able to do it. And so you say, ah, screw it. This doesn't work for me. Keep trying it again and again. I promise you it's going to be the key to starting to feel more in control with food is really attending to yourself, not seeing food or overeating as self sabotaging, but seeing it as like, Almost like a red neon sign saying alert.

I need your attention. What is it that needs attending to? And it's really more of an invitation for you to take a look at that. I hope that was helpful. I will talk to you again soon. Bye.