Ep. 53 Get Out of Weight Goal Drama

Hi and welcome to the Mindful Shape podcast. I’m Paula Parker, and I’m a life and weight loss coach.

So quick announcement first off that bat - I’m currently accepting a few new clients for private one on one coaching. So if you’ve been on the fence or been at all curious if coaching could help you, you can sign up on my wait list and then I’ll contact to set up a free consultation. It’s a one hour call in which you get to unload what’s going on for you specifically and I give you my take on what’s happening, exactly why you are getting your current results and explain my coaching process. And then we go from there. There is absolutely no pressure to continue on - sometimes the women I meet take what they learn in that one call and run with it on their own and sometimes they decide they’re ready to dive in. Either way - I always trust that you’ll know what’s best and my job is to help facilitate that decision. So if you’re even a little curious and want my take on your specific situation, you can sign up at mindfulshape.com. 

So in these consultations we talk about where you are and where they want to be. On the rare occasion I get someone who doesn’t have a specific goal weight in mind but most women have a number in their head. Maybe it’s what you weighed in highschool or college or what you weighed on your wedding day. I’m guessing that you probably have one too - that number on the scale that you feel like - if I saw that number I would feel good about where my body is at. At least you think so right? It might feel so elusive at this point that you’re thinking that’s the number in my head but until I’m there or at least close, I don’t really know for sure. 

When it comes to that number we can have so much mind drama. If you don’t feel elated by that number, if instead it taunts you more than anything - that’s totally normal. If you think of that number and it seems so far away and you end up feeling just more defeated by it, then this episode is going to be perfect for you. 

Today I want to explore all the ways our brain creates unnecessary mind drama around weight loss goals and how to use your goal FOR you, not against you. By the end of this episode you’ll not only know HOW to create weight loss goals for yourself but avoid the traps that can bring you down along the way - every time you engage with that number or avoid thinking about that goal altogether. 

First - how do you choose your goal? What’s the RIGHT number? What’s your natural weight anyway? How will you know? What if that’s too low? 

If you’re getting hung up on this, here’s what I’ll offer. There is no right number. Your natural weight is the weight that feels good to you period. You have full autonomy over that. Some people in your life may say, ‘don’t get too thin’ or ‘you’re looking too skinny’ and you may use that as an opportunity to check in with yourself honestly or even talk to your doctor if you’re really unsure - but I would say for the most part - it’s likely more to do with them than you. Unless you’re severely underweight, you’re probably fine. And if your worried your number is too low, remember you’re always in charge. If you don’t like it, you can gain some weight back. So to sum up - there is no right goal weight - you get to decide. 

Often when we think that goal number it seems so far away right? And then we feel hopeless and we give up - we fall into the screw it mentality - like what’s the point. So to avoid that I encourage you to focus on 5lbs at a time. Sure maybe your end goal is 20, 40, 60lbs but our brains have a hard time figuring out how to make that happen. When we focus on the 5lbs ahead of us and how we’ll get there - well then we can make a plan. It feels doable and we’re more likely to follow through. 

We learn this in other areas of life and don’t fall into this trap. I used to work at a credit union and we’d map out the projects for the entire year and build in the KPIs or performance metrics but we didn’t get overwhelmed because we broke those down into really bite sized chunks. Or maybe there’s projects for your home that you want to accomplish this year. For us it’s buying a new t.v., getting a murphy bed for the office, putting up some photos from our family photoshoot and selling the winter tires from our previous car that are sitting in our back yard right now. But not all of these things are going to be done at once right and it feels overwhelming to think we have to have them all sorted out - so my husband I sit down about every couple of weeks and make a plan. What’s next - what the one thing we can do next? 

I also like doing a weekly focus. So if my goal is 5lbs - what am I going to focus on this week to help me get closer. Maybe that’s allowing more hunger, maybe that’s listening to how your body is feeling during your meal or after so that you know how much food to eat. A really powerful focus is deciding to FEEL every emotion instead of eating. This is going to mean ONLY eating when you’re hungry and stopping when you’ve had enough. Sounds super simple, but that’s more than enough to focus on for one week. And if that’s advanced, try simply trying to notice when you’re eating from true hunger or when you’re eating simply because you want to eat. You may be really surprised to see how often you’re eating outside of being truly, physically hungry. This is really good to know. It means we don’t need keep trying to solve with different types of diets or fasting, we only need to learn the skill of eating only when we’re physically hungry.

What about timelines? That’s the T in smart goals right? You might have a date in which you want to have reached your goal. I know I’ve talked about this on the podcast before - to double your timeline to give yourself the gift of space. Here’s what I’ll say about timelines - set one but remember your goal - that number and the timeline will serve you most if you think of it as a lighthouse. It’s simply a guide to help you navigate toward something specific. It offers direction. It provides a container or framework for you to take action.

I was recently reviewing my goals and I noticed I had set a running goal for Sept. I’ve been doing some physical therapy for my knee, hips and back and I needed to recover doing that before I could start running again. So my goals was to get back to running in Sept. When I set that it helped me figure out a plan to get my physio done - it motivated me to get it on the calendar because I would have to be doing it regularly in order to run in Sept. 

But it the recovery took longer and so I didn’t start running until this month - in October. But do you think I care now that I didn’t hit that goal in Sept? No of course not. All I care about is that I can run now and my knees, hips and back aren’t killing me. 

You timeline helps frame your goal - it gives it some structure, but if you don’t hit it, it doesn’t mean you won’t reach your goal. Don’t use your timeline against yourself - it was made up to begin with. It won’t serve you to think, but I SHOULD have hit my goal by now and argue with reality. 

If you’re impatient it’s because your brain wants to speed things up so you don’t have to deal with the emotions of being where you are now. It just wants to be at goal weight so that it’s so much easier to have thoughts that produce pleasant feelings. 

So let’s talk about the main reason there’s drama around goals - if we don’t achieve it we’ll feel bad about that and about ourselves. If that’s happening you know you’re tying your self concept and your opinion of yourself to that goal. It’s like if I reach it I’ll be nice to myself because I deserve it but if I don’t reach it I will be so disappointed I’ll be upset with myself. And then we wonder why we don’t feel very excited about our goal. When we need the number on the scale to produce a certain feeling like self acceptance or feeling proud, we always need to reach our goal every time. Or else, not feeling good about ourselves is the consequence. This is why failure feels so bad. You want to be very aware of what you are making your goal mean about you. You can’t possibly enjoy the process of releasing weight if you may or may not feel good about yourself - there is too much on the line and it feels heavy. Your opinion of yourself is at stake here. 

And we know that the scale goes up and down right? Even when the longer term trend lines are down - it will typically fluctuate a few lbs along the way. And then there are times when our body just holds onto weight - for weeks even. It might not even mean that you’re overeating, it’s simply your body doing its thing. And if we stick with our protocol - so long as we’re not eating outside of physical hunger, or eating past saiation at meals, it will eventually release excess weight. 

When you achieve your goal you’ll feel what - probably proud , a sense of accomplishment. Why? What are you thinking about yourself? 

When you create how you want to feel first - throughout your journey - while you’re seeing the ups and downs - then you won’t experience those big highs and lows - you’ll less likely to go into all or nothing thinking. You’ll be doing it because it’s an act of love not punishment. You’ll be allowing hunger, allowing unpleasant emotion like the desire to eat from a place of care. 

You want to lose weight not because if you don’t you’ll continue to feel bad about yourself but because you just want to. You want to know what it would be like in a smaller body, wearing clothes you love and living without food drama. You’re doing it as an investment in yourself and your future. 

This will require to hold space for the parts of you that don’t love right now. Like those parts that feel bored or tired or emotionally exhausted or dissatisfaction or anxious. 

Sometimes people will say, well I don’t want to do all the work and then not reach my goal - If that resonates with you know that’s only because you think doing the work of weight loss is harder than maintaining or gaining. 

But I really encourage you to look at that honestly. I think that’s a lie we tell ourselves over and over. We tell ourselves it’s hard to lose weight but that’s not the hard part REALLY. Our body does that naturally on it’s own. Our body uses the excess fat stores as fuel and it’s as natural as breathing. 

What’s hard is what we need to feel when we say no to the food. When we say, that’s enough at a meal. What’s hard is feeling the unpleasant emotions that come up. It’s so important to be super clear on that. 

So it’s a lie that it’s harder to lose weight than to be gaining weight or living above your natural weight because there is EQUAL negative emotions. But instead of feeling the negative emotion around not eating - you feel it about your weight or while you’re getting dressed in the morning. Or when you see yourself in pictures or in the mirror. Or when your clothes feel tight. All of that creates just as much if not more negative emotion for us. 

What can make it doubly hard tho -which I will acknowledge- is that when you’re starting out especially, you’re going to be feeling it all - the negative emotion you used to eat over AND the negative emotion around your current weight. So all the more reason to manage your mind. All the more reason to learn how to think in a way that’s also going to generate positive emotion for you. 

Let’s use an example. Imagine 2 people who both reach their goal in 6 months- one has done it by making sure there’s no sugar in the house, avoiding social events and when she has cravings or a desire to eat she distracts herself by researching weight loss and watching before and after success videos on YouTube. 

The other person has mastered the skill of planning a protocol that feels doable, and knows how to feel desire for sugar, drinks at parties, and wanting more food when the meal tastes especially delicious without overdoing it. She’s also spent the last 6 months managing her thoughts to create feelings of pride and accomplishment along the way - even when the scale didn’t go down. 

If we were to follow up with these two people in another year, who do you think has a greater likelihood of being at that goal weight? Intuitively you know right. 

Here’s the reason. The first client distracted herself until the dopamine hit at the end - when she reached her weight loss goal. Which we know is never going to last. Dopamine dissipates and in this case the person needed outside sources to create that experience - hence the videos which again, won’t continue to offer dopamine forever. This is why it’s common for people to lose a bunch of weight  and then gain it all back.

The other person learned sustainable skills on how to eat for their body and deal with desire plus they manufactured natural dopamine with their thoughts throughout the 6 months. 

So if you are done with white knuckling your way through weight loss and want to be that second person - if you’re finally ready to use your mind to get you out of all this over desire for food and drama around your weight - I really want to help you. Set up a consult and let’s talk about how my coaching process can help you create a protocol that’s right for you, how to follow through and how to reflect and strategize so that you have these skills for life. To set that up go to mindfulshape.com and I really look forward to meeting you.