Ep. 134 How to Stop Self Sabotaging

 Hi, and welcome to the Mindful Shape Podcast. My name is Paula Parker. If you're listening to this in current time, you'll know that it was recently Easter and it was a four day holiday here for us. And so my father-in-law and his girlfriend took the kids for dinner one night, and my husband and I. Very rarely get to watch TV or movies together anymore, you know, since having kids basically.

And we were both pretty tired, so we decided to watch a show, this show called Black Mirror on Netflix. And if you haven't watched it, every episode is a different story with different actors, but they all center on the same theme of this interplay between humans and some sort of. Futuristic, or maybe even not so futuristic technology.

And it often takes some aspect of technology that we right now in society are maybe a bit worried about, and it just takes it to the extreme. So some of the episodes can admittedly get pretty intense and dark, and it's not for everyone. This is not a recommendation for the show because I don't think it's everyone's cup of tea.

However, the last episode of the latest season is a part two of an episode from season four, which we had not watched, and so we went back and watched it, and I would recommend watching this episode in particular. I thought it was an amazing episode and worth watching. It's from season four, and the episode is called USS Callister.

So. Here's why I'm telling you this without any spoilers. For me, it was such a remarkable demonstration of this concept of our relationship with ourselves. Now, if you haven't watched it. You'll know that this is not really the main theme of the episode, but for me it was actually the most interesting, and it was quite a visceral experience that I had watching this show, and so this is why I wanted to share it.

It was really inspiring for me to use this as content for this podcast. My hope is that I can get across what I'm trying to express, that I can translate what I felt in my experience watching that show that I can translate into something meaningful for you. In this episode. A lot of times we say things, I hear clients say things, or just people around me say, you know, there's a part of me that wants one thing and there's a part of me that wants another, which I think it's so fascinating that we talk like that, that we use language in that way because.

What does that really mean? There's a part of me here, and there's a part of me there in this context. There's a part of me maybe that wants to be healthy and reach my goal, weight, my desired weight, and then there's also this other part of me that wants to say, you know what? I'm tired. I don't really wanna pay that much attention to this right now.

I'm just gonna eat whatever I want. Okay. And it's like almost a battle between these two parts of ourselves. And then we get so frustrated and we kind of hate ourselves for it, that we have this, and we call it self-sabotage. For me, this episode of Black Mirror exemplified. This concept that we have these different versions of ourself, and more than that, we have a relationship with the different versions or parts of ourselves so these parts of ourselves can interact.

Okay, so I, I know you're maybe out on a little bit of a limb with me here, but I love this episode because for me, I could connect the idea of. One version of myself say, being in trouble and the other version being able to help. And I need both of those parts working together. If you've watched it, you know that this is not exactly how it is in the show, but it sparked this for me.

And if you haven't watched it, I hope that you will just to see if you can also connect the dots on this idea and make it more visceral in terms of your relationship with yourself like it did for me. Okay, so come along for me on this little thought exercise for a second. Imagine there is a version of you who is in trouble, is in a lot of suffering.

Maybe it's about how you feel in your body, how you feel really uncomfortable in the current body that you have, or how preoccupied you are with food, thinking about food all the time. Whatever it is. This version of you is in real pain, so let's call her sad version. She needs help, and I want you to see this version of yourself.

Like you would be watching her in a movie. Maybe she's in your bedroom, on your bed, or she's in the shower. That's where we usually cry, right as women cry in the shower. Or maybe it's not crying, but she's staring into your closet. Feeling despair. She's looking for something to wear. Nothing fits, or she's looking in the pantry debating on what to eat next.

Notice her expression. Notice her demeanor, the positioning of her body in space. Okay. Got her in mind. Alright. Now I want you to imagine there's also this other version of you there too. She's standing nearby. She can see that sad version. Now, the sad version cannot see this new version. Okay? The new version is invisible.

She's this new version. She's not sad, she's not suffering, she's feeling confident. And at ease. Maybe she's even at your desired weight. So she's watching sad version and she has so much compassion and love for her. This version knows that, you know, sad version is suffering and she really wants to help her.

She's her ally. She wants to help her so bad. She's like brimming with energy to lift her up. That sad version. She's really rooting for her to win. She knows she can do it and she wants. So badly for sad version to know that too. Okay, thought exercise over. Now, what we tend to do as humans is we sabotage her.

We sabotage, sad version. We're not compassionate, we're resentful and we're fed up. Quite frankly, we think. Sad version is me. That's me. That you think that's the real you, and then you feel really defeated. So we identify as her and then we make decisions about what to wear, what to eat, whether to do the yoga video or not.

We make those decisions from that sad version of ourselves. But I love thinking yes. There is a sad version of me and there's this other version, let's call her confident version. She's so confident that sad version can change, that things can be better for her, and she wants to help. Sad version. That's the version that's within you as well, this confident version.

So what does she have to say? Like what is her demeanor? Let her run the show for a couple of days. What might happen? What if sad version was open to hearing what she had to say and willing to listen. You can also think of this idea, this concept of different versions of yourself in a temporal way as well.

We have our past version of ourselves and we have a relationship with her, meaning our thoughts and feelings about her. We have our present version you today. And you have a relationship with you, your thoughts and feelings about you now and you have a future self, you in the future tomorrow, next year, in 10 years.

You also have a relationship with that version of yourself based on your thoughts and feelings about your future self. Right now, you might just reflect and think, how much energy and time am I putting towards each of these relationships? Do I think a lot about my past self? Do I demonize her, criticize her choices for eating the way she did, or you know, in quotation marks letting herself go?

Or conversely, do I put her on a pedestal because she was much more. Physically capable. She could do things that your present self simply can't. Or she was eating way better somehow. She had more discipline. How much time are you thinking about your past self? Is it more than you'd like? Are you good with it?

Does it seem like this is the right amount of thinking about my past self? But maybe it could have, you know, a slightly more compassionate, more understanding flavor. How much are you tending to your current self? Truly? Do you spend most of your time helping other people, focused on others, solving other people's problems?

Oftentimes we do this at the expense of our own wellbeing. So we say yes to other people and no to ourselves. We give them the food that they need. We don't give ourselves the food that we need. We will make sure that they are getting what, where they need to go, take them to where they need to go. And then we miss our workout, that kind of thing.

And of course, we all have people, we have pets, we have things that just need to be attended to. Of course we do. And I don't know your situation, so this is in no way telling you to change anything, okay. To change what you were doing at all. But what I'm saying is that it's worth thinking about pausing and reflecting and thinking about how putting yourself first, even if it feels selfish.

Just like let yourself temporarily be selfish. Just for a minute. What might be the implication of that? What will it make you? Less burned out, more energized, more present, right. Will you fill up your own tank kind of thing? Give yourself permission to take care of you like you would take care of someone that you truly loved more than anything.

What would it be like if you focused on you for the entire day? If you put yourself first for just one day, maybe a week, maybe a month. Doesn't mean you neglect all your responsibilities. It just means you consider yourself. You tend to yourself first and foremost. And if you really decided. Like for real, you would be your own best friend.

We throw this around a lot. We say, you know, talk to yourself like you would talk to a friend. But for me, that has always been outside. It's been at arm's length. I'm, I've never really taken that on. And so if that's the case for you. Maybe watch that show. No, but really maybe think of it in terms of what if it wasn't a hypothetical?

Like instead of being that sad version of you in the pantry, you instead you said, no, I'm going to be my best friend. That best friend version, I'm gonna embody that confident me, who doesn't need to overeat today, who can handle boredom, who can handle dread, who can handle the mess without turning to food.

So. You say to yourself, you know, I'm gonna be my best friend. I'm gonna be an ally. I'm just gonna try it on just temporarily, just for a day. Maybe I'm going to be a lifeline for sad version every single day, maybe for a few days, no matter what. No matter how long it takes, maybe how often are you connecting with your future self?

Are you setting her up for success? Will she be so grateful to have you in her corner or will she be kind of mad at you? Jerry Seinfeld has this bit about night guy and morning guy. He says night guy wants to stay up late. He stays up as late as he wants because being tired. It's not his problem, right?

That's morning guy's problem. And there's nothing that morning guy can do. Night guy is just screwing him over constantly. What are you doing now that your future self will be so happy about? Right? Don't screw future self over. One of my favorite one minute mindfulness tools that I teach in my program is the skip ahead technique.

So this is before having that blueberry muffin at three o'clock, that bowl of ice cream after dinner. You mentally skip ahead. You simply ask yourself, how will I feel emotionally and physically right after I eat this? Maybe later in the day or even the next day, you're thinking, you're considering, you're tending to your future self.

There's this moment in the episode where the character needs help and you as the audience realize before she does that, the only person that can save her is her. A different version of her. You are the only person to do it. I don't care what your goal is. If your goal is to just simply be healthier and follow through on your physio, or if it's to release 60 pounds, no one, not me, not your partner, not your trainer, is going to be as invested.

I. As you are in your success and no one is as capable or as equipped to do it either, it doesn't mean you don't get help. It doesn't mean you don't get all the support that you possibly can, but you will be doing that. You will be moving yourself forward, and I want to invite you to own that. Alright, I'll talk to you again soon.

Bye.