Ep. 103 Feeling Discouraged

  Hi, and welcome to the Mindful Shade Podcast. I'm Paula Parker. If you're new to me, welcome. I coach women who want to release excess weight and stop thinking about food all of the time. And one of the most common experiences that we have when we're trying to release excess fat off our bodies is that we get discouraged.

So most likely, if you think back to anything that you've accomplished, if it didn't come really easily, like overnight, there Was at least one point in which you remember being discouraged. Maybe you didn't get that promotion that you thought that you deserved or the job or you felt like your partner is just never going to tidy up, never going to help you around the house and definitely not going to learn how to fold the towels the right way because as we know there is a right way, right?

So I think this shows up in a number of ways in weight loss, especially when it. Come to the scale. We can all get really discouraged when we feel like we're doing all of the right things and we get on the scale and it's just not budging or it's not moving as quickly as we thought. Or we get really discouraged when we know what to be doing, but we're not doing it.

And then we're really discouraged with ourselves. And then when we're feeling discouraged, oftentimes we're, we are more likely to either not show up for ourselves or show up in a way that we don't like, which is like getting more restrictive. Or we go off the rails a little bit because we've had a tough day.

So.  I want to share with you that all of this feeling discouraged in general is going to be based on how you're thinking about it. So I do think that likely it's inevitable that we will experience being discouraged when we are trying to go for any goal, really, whether that's your goal around your relationship with food and how you envision that.

Or your goal with the number on the scale. So whatever that is, it's likely that you're going to feel discouraged at some point, and that's going to be because of how you're thinking about it. So I want to, in this episode, really share some of really specifically, like some thoughts to really watch out for that will explain why it's important.

why you're feeling discouraged. I so often feel like when I listen to other podcasts, it's just so nice to understand, Oh, that's why I'm having this experience. This makes sense. So I'm going to get pretty specific in terms of how we are thinking that makes us feel really discouraged. And then more importantly, I'm not going to tell you change your thoughts.

right away, although that can be helpful. If you're feeling discouraged, I don't expect you to catapult out of it right away just by changing a thought, although that could happen. I encourage you to, well, I'll give you, I'll give you a little protocol that will go through. How do we get out of feeling discouraged?

Because it's not helpful, right? So we don't need to Be feeling super positive and motivated, but we also don't want to spend a lot of time feeling discouraged because we're not going to be making healthy choices for ourselves from that place. If we think of emotions as energetic fuel, that is like a low grade fuel.

We want to understand why it's happening because it's going to be inevitable. But then also we want to have a protocol, have a system in place for, Oh, I know exactly why I'm feeling like this and here's what I'm going to do about it. So hopefully in this episode, I will give you some ideas on how to approach it the next time you were just kind of in that, you know, river of misery, the, you know, peaks and valleys you're in the valley and you're just feeling really discouraged.

So there are two types of thinking that make us feel discouraged. The first thought is there's no path forward. So either it's not possible, or I don't know what the path is, and I don't know how to figure out the path. Okay, so that's in the category of there's no path forward. The other thought that makes us feel discouraged is I can't take the path, either because it's impossible for me, given my situation, or I don't have the capacity.

I don't have the ability, right? I'm not capable. It's more about me.  As you might know, because I've mentioned it in a previous episode, I really love reading psychological thrillers, and I actually wrote one myself and finished it, and it's about this family who moves into this really nice new house, and they start receiving these letters, and the story is called The Watcher because they're getting these letters from this person who calls himself the watcher and they're really like spooky kind of threatening letters.

So this is a real story, a real family experience this and they to this day they still don't know who was sending those letters. So essentially I wrote a whole novel based on this story and then If you have maybe watched it yourself Netflix did a show called The Watcher and Naomi Watts is in it.

And it's a really good show. So definitely watch it if you haven't watched it already. But it was basically my novel. It was basically my novel in a TV show and it was way better than mine, I have to say. It was way better than mine. So. When I watched it, I mean, I have to say I really did obviously enjoy the show, but I also was so discouraged, right?

Because I literally wrote a novel about this. So my thought was, there's no path forward. This story has already been told way better than I could even tell it. I'm not gonna now try to pursue getting this novel out into the world when it's already been written in a TV show that was like, Way better than mine.

Okay. So that's an example of being discouraged where I can, I can really take a look at, well, what form of thinking was I attached to? I was attached to the form of thinking that there's no path forward versus I can't take the path. So I was able to give myself some time, you know, as I was watching that show of thinking, there's no path forward, but then.

After being discouraged, I thought, well, it's just, I'm going to change course. So I'm going to write a new story. I'm going to use a lot of that, those elements that I had in the old story and write a new one. So I wasn't believing there's no path forward. I wasn't believing I can't take the path. And so I wasn't feeling discouraged and therefore I'm able to write a new story that I feel really excited about.

Okay, so let's talk about how you might be having these thoughts when it comes to what you envision when it comes to your body and your relationship with food. It matters because when we're feeling discouraged, we are very unlikely to make the best food choices or be able to follow any plan. That we're trying to follow when it comes to food.

And even if we do follow it, we do it with heaviness, with resignation, with low level energy. It's half, it's like half heartedly or even with resentment, like we're doing it, but it's like begrudgingly, right? That sucks. And it's usually only a matter of time until we can't keep that up. And then we quit.

We kind of go off the rails with food. So as I talk about this. Next little section, just listen to see if maybe there's a part of you who recognizes some of what I'm about to say. So whether you are feeling discouraged right now, just notice if these are some of your thoughts that you're having and or  previous times when you felt discouraged before, have you had any of these thoughts?

And it might be subtle, might not even be a conscious thought that you're having. So that's why I want to speak it aloud so that you can see if it resonates.  So the first category of thoughts is there's no path forward. This is how it can show up  to release the weight. I'll have to restrict myself or feel deprived.

Therefore, it's not possible for me to achieve wellbeing and live in the body I want. So we're not just trying to get the weight off. We also want a sense of wellbeing and feeling good. But if we're believing that we have to risk, like it's not possible without heavy restriction and feeling deprived, then it's not even it's not even on the radar.

It's like, well, I I'm not even going to get excited about that because I don't even think it's possible for me. Of course you're going to feel discouraged. The other one is the cost is too high to reach my goal. So I won't be able to eat all the foods I love. I'll have to maybe food prep all the time.

I'll have to say no to my favorite foods. I'll be that weird, awkward person at social events not eating or drinking. I'll have people commenting on what I'm eating or not eating and asking me why and asking me why I'm not drinking or not eating. So it's not worth it. Therefore, no path forward.  The next one is, I've tried everything, so nothing has worked.

Therefore, it's not possible to release weight. There's nothing left to try. Of course, you have not tried everything, right? Because either you, if you've tried everything, then you will have released the weight, right? So there's always going to be something else to try to figure out what's going on with your body, figure out what's going on with your mind, okay?

So you've likely only focused on excess weight and trying to eat less or healthier to get that off. Instead of focusing on the reasons that weight came on in the first place, the cause of of the problem versus the symptom of the problem. What we want to be focusing on is the cause of the problem, the cause of the weight gain, the cause of the overeating versus the symptom, which is the excess weight of the problem.

So in our society, we're really good at focusing on the symptoms. We're not so good at focusing on what is actually causing the problem and solving for that.  So this can be. I don't know what else to do. I don't know what to do next. I'm so discouraged and overwhelmed that I'm not going to try anything else.

We get so discouraged that we think there's nothing else to try. The next category is I can't take the path.  Because it's something about me, this can show up like this. My body doesn't respond when I try to lose weight. My body is different. And to be fair, your body might be different. So you might be dealing with some hormonal issues, or a stage of life, or some health issues where your body is a little bit different.

It does not mean that you can't release excess fat off your body. It just means that we might need to try different things. So we might need to do something a little bit different than you're doing right now. Okay,  another one is what works for others won't work for me. Another one is I've been dealing with this my whole life.

And I can't imagine it being different. I think for many of us who have been dealing with food issues and weight issues for a really long time, even from childhood, it's very hard to, it's become so much part of our identity. It's very hard to imagine a life in which we are not that way. And so I just want to, I just want to also say that that's okay, if you can't imagine that yet, just hold the belief that you're getting closer to it.

And the more you can kind of tap into it, the more you can kind of imagine that it's possible for you, the closer you will get to actually seeing it. But it's okay if sometimes you're like, I can't even imagine it, it's been so different my whole life. I want to just drop the possibility that even if that's the case, you can be somebody that does not have any food issues anymore.

Like that's totally available to you. Okay. Next one is it's not fair. So it's easier for other people. This one comes up a lot and it can make us feel really discouraged. When we see other people who are naturally thin and seemingly they can eat whatever they want.  And it seems like we just eat one tiny little thing and we can't lose weight or we gain weight.

It can be really frustrating. So it's not fair. It's easier for other people. It makes us feel really discouraged.  Some of these you can decide to change or some of them you can decide, you know what, that's just true. I don't want to change that. But you want to be aware of if it's creating, if it's causing you to be discouraged.

That's what I want to point out. Okay. Another one is I have too many demands on me, so I don't have the time. I don't have the energy to deal with this. So I'm just going to keep turning to food. I can't change anything cause I just don't have the capacity right now. There's something in me like I'm not enough.

I can't do it.  Another one is I just really love food. Food is so delicious. It is so amazing. It's like the highlight of my day. I love it so much. I can't let it go. Like maybe people don't love it as much as I do. Okay. So just notice if that's the case, you're making it impossible for yourself. Okay. I got a few more.

I have too far to go. Okay. So we get discouraged because we think, well, even if I lose five pounds, like, so what? I have 50 more to go or I have 60 more to go or whatever it is. I have so far to go. We feel discouraged. I'm too old. My body doesn't want to release weight. I know for so many people going into perimenopause or menopause,  it's like those old tricks don't work anymore.

Whereas when you were in your twenties and your thirties, you could just maybe cut calories and exercise a little bit more and you drop five pounds, even 10 pounds. Now you try that. It doesn't work. We can get really discouraged when we think, Oh, that doesn't work anymore. Well, I guess my body doesn't want to release weight.

It's not true. We just have to do it in a slightly different way.  So those are all my thoughts.  That come up that I see, either I've had myself or I've seen within clients that  cause us to feel really discouraged. So if you, just by listening to all of those, if you're feeling a little discouraged right now, then that would totally make sense because I'm offering these low level thoughts to your brain.

Okay. But most of our thinking is so subconscious. We're not even aware that we're having these thoughts.  As we know, most of our thinking is repetitive, meaning Much of it is just like a stream of consciousness happening in the background that we've had what is I think it's like I forget the number but I think it's like 80 or 90 percent of our thinking that we have today is the same thinking we had yesterday and these are just sentences running through our brain completely unmitigated if you recognize any of the ones that I've mentioned I would just want to say you are so much more further ahead.

You are so much further ahead already because now you can stop letting these thoughts, this old programming, just run the show by default. None of those thoughts are true.  None,  right?  None of them are facts. None of them are true. None of those thoughts that I said are true. You've just been thinking them for so long without ever questioning them that now you believe them and they are making you feel discouraged over and over again.

So let's talk about the impact of when we feel discouraged.  When we have any of these thoughts. We feel discouraged. We generate the feeling of discouragement in our bodies. It's a hopelessness. And then what do we typically do? We discount any success that we've had, any positive changes that we're making with food.

We even discount any weight loss that we've had, because it's not enough. We're not at the goal weight yet, or we're not feeling 100 percent in charge of, you know, our decisions around food all of the time, 100 percent of the time. We typically stop focusing on our weight loss goal, meaning We just don't prioritize it anymore.

It kind of falls. It drifts. It's like goes into the drift or it just drifts into the background. So we don't stop to think about what we're going to eat. We don't ensure that we have the best options available. There's almost zero planning ahead of time or tracking, or we plan kind of like half heartedly, like kind of have an idea of a plan, but then we don't.

We don't. have any intention of following through. We're just kind of winging it in the moment when it comes to food choices often. Essentially, when you're discouraged, any kind of planning and tracking usually goes out the window. We also stop paying attention to when we're eating, what we're eating, if we're even hungry, and when we've had enough.

We just eat, you know, whatever's on the plate or what's offered to us or whatever we feel like. And we really eat for pleasure more than focusing on nourishing our bodies. Sometimes you might notice when you're feeling really discouraged, you even isolate yourself. So you don't, you're less inclined to get together with friends or maybe go on dates or anything like that.

So I could go on and on, but You get it. I mean, you know what you do and how you act differently and how you feel and how you show up differently when you're feeling discouraged because you're believing all of these thoughts about your eating or about your weight. So it's an important topic that really deserves your attention.

So let's talk about how do we move out of this when we have these thoughts and they seem really true, even though we know intellectually, they're not true, that they're not facts, that our brain is just offering them up. We still will feel In our bodies, we still will feel discouraged. So what do we do about that?

Three things I will offer you. One is Give yourself time to lick your wounds. If you are feeling discouraged, let that be okay. Let it be okay for a while to feel that. But if you're in a ditch, stop digging. Don't take action from there. Meaning, don't make any major decisions about starting a restrictive diet or, on the flip side, doing a ton of baking or indulging in all of the foods.

So just acknowledge, Oh, this is the part where I'm discouraged. When you allow it to be here, you'll be able to get out of that really heavy, that heaviness and that sense of resistance. Number two is remind your brain that even though you're feeling discouraged, in the moment, you know it's temporary. You know you will feel motivated again.

You will. It's just a matter of time. And it's only because your brain is thinking the thoughts. There's no path forward or you can't take the path to get what you want some version of that thinking and it's just not true Because if you have excess weight on your body, it doesn't matter your history.

It's physically possible to burn that fat It's just a matter of time. It's also possible for you to change your habits and your decision making around food So we can't always change or control the timeline of this. So there needs to be a willingness to on your part to let go of the timeline. But know that given a long enough time horizon, it's 100 percent possible to have what you want. 

Number three is decide you're going to take one small step that day toward building momentum. So when we're discouraged, we don't want to take action. And so when we don't take action, we don't build momentum and then we never feel motivated. To start building momentum, we need to take one small step and I like to think of it as something that you do in one day, in that, in that same day that you're feeling discouraged because otherwise your brain will start thinking of like, Oh, I have to do all of these things.

I have to be consistent for the rest of my life. It's not true. So just something that you have control over within the same day that you're feeling discouraged. It could be something really practical, like drinking more water, or deciding I'm not going to eat until I'm very, very hungry, or making a healthy dinner that night.

It might be seeking out more information, maybe learning more about your hormones, or fasting, or something like that, so that you can try something new.  Or it could be deciding that, you know what, you're just going to cut yourself some slack. You're going to research some body positivity stuff, right?

You're going to fill your brain with some self acceptance and self love. You could even decide nothing needs to change with your body at all. Like you could go that way. How could being in your body right now at this weight be totally okay. It doesn't mean you won't make changes, but you can take the pressure off.

With that decision, you could decide that you're going to be at peace with your weight, no matter what it is right now. You could decide that you're going to be at peace with that food decision that you made, whether it was overeating or not. You get to decide that to give yourself the gift of calm, the gift of peace, the gift of, you know, reverence for yourself that you're still learning.

That you're still growing as a person and you're still working through this, even if it's just for today, just to see how it feels.  All right. That's what I have for you today. I hope it was helpful. If you are feeling discouraged, just know that my heart is with you because I totally understand what that feels like.

And I really want to offer you hope because no matter how discouraged you are, there's totally a way forward. It's just a matter of time. All we need to do is focus on eating in a way that's going to be supportive of your physiology, so that we reduce those cravings, those physiological cravings. And then secondly, we work with your brain, right?

We just need to change some of that thinking that you have right now that's causing all of this, causing you to want more food than you actually need. So, if you are interested in doing this kind of work one on one with me to really take it to the next level, go deeper, kind of make it very personal for you and help you work through some really personal challenges that you have so that you can accelerate your results essentially and really develop the relationship with food that you want and also be at your goal weight, then I encourage you to reach out to me.

You can go to my website. website and sign up, get my free resources, or you can email me directly and we can set up a call and just talk about what coaching together would look like. You can email me at Paula at mindful shape. com and I really look forward to meeting you. Okay. Bye.