Ep. 26 Self Sabotage - Embrace Your Inner Rebel
Hi and welcome to the Mindful Shape podcast, I’m Paula Parker. If you’ve been listening for a while, welcome back! It’s so nice to have you and if you’re new to me, hello! So great to have you here. I’m a weight and life coach. I work one-on-one with women who are ready to figure out what’s really going on with their weight struggle so they can reach their goal weight and have freedom around food. And that’s what this podcast is all about.
So. Freedom around food. That’s what we want isn’t it? We want to feel free to eat or not eat and have it be within our power.
Often we find ourselves acting against ourselves and what we want and we don’t even know why it keeps happening over and over again. If you’re finding yourself rebelling against your weight loss plan, stay tuned.
I’m going to teach you WHY this is happening and how to fix it.
I know for me in the past when I decided to start a weight loss plan, I almost instantly felt the urge to overeat. It was if my body sent an alarm to my brain that restriction was coming and I needed to bulk up on food. And then when I did finally start following my plan, I felt as though it was a punishment. Living like this is never sustainable and why we quit. As humans, we value freedom and if you feel like you’re being controlled in any way, your natural impulse is to rebel.
And that’s okay.
Because there are ways we can use this to our benefit, to HELP us in our weight loss efforts.
In this episode I’ll cover:
Why you’re self-sabotaging
How to create a weight loss plan that you won’t feel the need to rebel against
How to make the most of your natural rebel
First, I’m going to define Self-sabotage as creating unnecessary problems for yourself which interfere with your goal. In this case we’re talking about your goal weight.
So whether it’s in your conscious awareness or not, you have a belief system about yourself and what you are capable of in terms of achieving that number.
Probably based on your personal history of losing weight and things you’ve heard, you have beliefs about what your goal weight should be, how long it will take you to get there, what it will take and how hard it will be to get there. You may think like I did, that I had to white knuckle my way through my cravings and urges to overeat. That I would have to accept being hungry and grumpy all the time to lose weight and stay at my goal weight - because I had been entrenched in diet culture - always trying to eat less and exercise more.
If you can relate to any of that, then you probably have a lot of doubt and frustration and even dread associated with efforts to lose weight. If this is the case you may see your goal and your weight loss journey as a punishment for being overweight. The effect of this is that you will self-sabotage. You will sabotage your goal.
Do this enough times, and this becomes a program in your brain and self sabotage simply becomes a habit. Set out to lose weight, self-sabotage, repeat.
But we can break this cycle. It’s completely within our control because it’s a reaction to our emotions. It’s an action we take. Even though I know it seems like it’s out of our control or that it’s even happening to us, it’s not.
There are three ways that we self-sabotage our weight loss.
First, we don’t set a specific weight target. We’ve had so many failed attempts at losing weight that we’ve lost confidence in ourselves and don’t want to set a goal that we doubt can even happen for us. We don’t want to feel the disappointment so we fail ahead of time by not even going for it. So if this is you, I want you to think about what number, if you could pick any number with a magic wand, what number that would be. Because no matter how many attempts you’ve had at going for it, it’s totally possible for you when we solve for the root issues of why you’re overeating in the first place. And we do that by taking a look at our thoughts.
Second is we procrastinate. We put off starting our plan until Monday or until after the holidays or until we get back from vacation. I KNOW you can relate to this. We’ve all done it but have you ever asked yourself why and then decided to fix the problem? The problem isn’t that you’re just not committed enough or you’re just a glutton or something. Not at all. Our brains have been playing that same diet mentality, all or nothing thinking for so long, it seems inevitable. It doesn’t seem like an option. I want to offer that you can give up ‘all or nothing’ thinking right now, in this minute. Notice it and let it go. And it’s so much easier to do that when we have the right protocol for us. When we have a protocol that isn’t a diet. It’s okay if it’s uncomfortable at times, but it doesn’t need to be unbearable. And when you become fat adapted, it becomes easy to stay on your protocol because your body doesn’t need a constant hit of glucose for energy.
Another reason we procrastinate is that we think it’s going to take a long time so there’s no urgency. It can sound like a nice thought, “I know it’s going to take time.” But be clear about whether you’re being patient or you're letting yourself off the hook of feeling discomfort.
The last way we procrastinate will be very familiar to you. It’s going off your protocol regularly. It might be small, but little things like an unplanned exception serving like an extra glass of wine or getting in the habit of an afternoon snack when it’s not on your plan, those things add up. And if you really want them, change up your protocol 24hrs in advance and make the change, but I want you to be in the habit of creating a plan and then not having to think about it. And we’re human, things happen. Like today for me for example, I didn’t realize we were so low on groceries and we didn’t have the food I normally eat so I went off my plan, but it’s not the end of the world right. I know we’ll go to the store tonight and have the foods I need for tomorrow. Something like that may have sent me into all or nothing thinking before. Well, I went off my plan so now I might as well forget the whole thing.
We can sometimes have these mini quits when we think it’s taking too long. The weight isn’t coming off fast enough. You see the scale go back up a pound and think, well this isn’t working, I’m going to have all the foods I really want to have today. I’ve created a rule for myself that if the scale goes up, it’s not a big deal and when it goes down, I get excited about it. Win win. Now you may be like, I thought you say don’t let the number dictate anything. But I’ve decided in advance what I’m going to think about it, in a way that serves me. If it goes up and it feels like a big deal or I have negative thoughts about it, then I know I have some thought work to do.
So all of this, the lack of goal setting, the procrastination and the mini quits become habitual over time, it’s just how we do things. And we start to think it’s our personality. But it doesn’t have to be. It’s a habit we can break like any other.
Let’s talk about how to create a weight loss plan that you won’t feel the need to rebel against.
My baby just turned 5 months so I’m researching about introducing foods for when he’s 6 months. And my dietician told me about a woman who’s an expert in feeding named Ellyn Sattter. I link to her in the show notes.
She’s created what’s called the division of responsibility with feeding babies and toddlers and it’s been so fascinating to me to see that it really works the same with us as adults. So let me tell you about this and then how it relates to you and how you can set yourself up to avoid sabotaging yourself.
The division of responsibility goes like this, the parent is in charge of choosing when, where and what the child will eat and the child is in charge of if, and how much they will eat. Isn’t that so interesting? The child - even if they are 2 years old - gets to decide how much they will eat. And it totally makes sense right? It gives the child structure and personal agency.
So here’s how you can create that same structure and personal agency (feeling of freedom) for yourself. When you create your protocol, again for those of you who are new to me - this is the way you want to be eating, you decide in advance with your prefrontal cortex what you will and won’t eat, when you’ll be eating and where - like are you okay eating in front of the t.v sometimes even though you won’t be able to notice your hunger cues as easily, or do you prefer being at the table for every meal. You get to decide as an adult if you want to make your meals a priority and set aside time or eat lunch while working. Totally up to you and what works for you. And you’ll know based on how you feel and if you’re losing weight. If those aren’t where you want them to be, it could be an indication something needs to change.
So this is you planning ahead as the parent and setting yourself up with a successful structure. She knows what foods she’ll eat and what she won’t and how frequently - will it be 2 or 3 meals a day? Then in the moment, during your meal, you get to be the child. You decide IF you’ll eat at your mealtime - you may not be hungry and that’s fine. You don't have to eat. And very importantly you decide HOW MUCH you will eat based on your hunger cues and listening to your body while you eat.
Another thing to think about are your exceptions to your protocol. You will know how many exceptions you need a week. Here’s the deal though, exceptions are one serving and they’re planned 24hrs in advance. You can have as many as you want and I think it’s important for you to know that. You are in charge here. If you feel great and the scale is going down, you know your plan is working. If you’re having intense cravings, your energy is fluctuating all day and you’re not losing weight, it’s time to try something different.
Now we’re going to switch gears and talk about how we can make the most of our inner rebel.
Let me tell you a story about when I worked with a coaching team who specializes in helping bodybuilders prep for body and fitness competitions. Now I’ve never been interested in doing something like that, nor will I ever be. But these guys had really impressive before and after photos - even of people who they considered lifestyle clients which I would be. They clearly knew how to get the fat off. So how it worked is that they would give me the grams of macronutrients, so like how much protein, fat and carbohydrates I could eat each day. I would track it and weigh myself daily and send this to them at the end of the week. Now if this sounds like a nightmare to you, I get that. If you’re a habitual overeater and you have to send in how much you eat daily to a bodybuilding team, there’s a lot of mind drama that can come up. I mean, I know a lot of so-called normal eaters who are at their natural weight who wouldn’t feel comfortable sharing that kind of information with someone.
But anyhow - I was up for whatever it was going to take. So I started off being very precise and measuring every little thing and sending them in the accurate info. And sometimes I would be a bit over, but I would still send it in. But overtime, I started to go off my plan more and more and I felt too ashamed to share with them the accurate info, so I think you can guess where this is going. I started lying on my weekly numbers. Not my finest hour for sure. And like really, how were they going to help me when I wasn’t being honest about what was happening. I just kept telling myself every week that THIS week I would stick to my numbers and be truthful and catch up eventually. And every week I would get those numbers and it never felt like they were high enough. Literally someone else - not me - was telling me how much I could eat. Looking back now, that seems insane to me. But I’m sure you’ve tried some pretty wild things to lose weight too. So I know I’m not alone here. And that’s definitely not the craziest thing I’ve done anyway.
So of COURSE I wanted to rebel right? I believe we have an innate and healthy desire for freedom and when something threatens that - even if it’s ourselves handing over our decision making power to someone else, we will inevitably feel disempowered and a lack of freedom. To restore the balance - to get our freedom back, we’ll rebel.
There are four ways to nurture this part of you. And for reference I’ve created a handout with all of the main points of this episode. You can find that and all of my free resources on my website at mindfulshape.com/resources and I’ll link to it in the show notes for you.
I want you to think back to the last time you felt rebellious about your weight loss plan. Maybe that was a few days ago, last night or this morning. If you can, identify what you were thinking at the time about your plan and about yourself. What thoughts and feelings were you having that caused you to make little quits, or decide to start all over down the road.
What do you need to think or do differently to prevent this? I like to use anchor thoughts here like, “I’m responsible, I’m in charge,” or “Not even THIS can get in my way” or this can be a great time to use the urge jar, and if you’re not familiar with how to manage urges check out the PDF handout I made.
Next I want you to look deeper. What are you rebelling against? Some of us have this idea that society can’t tell us what to eat - that we won’t adhere to the impossible beauty standard and an insane consumer driven beauty industry. You get to have any opinion you want on that, but it doesn’t mean you get to overeat without gaining weight right? I personally feel it’s important to have all shapes, sizes and colours held up as examples of beauty, and I also choose to believe that you can hold that while eating responsibly. Or maybe there’s a person you’re secretly rebelling against. Like a parent who put you on a diet when you were twelve or some crude comment someone made one time. Are you holding a grudge and do you need to let that go for your own wellbeing? Just get curious.
It’s important to LISTEN to your inner rebel. She has a voice too and it will be heard one way or another, so find out what she needs. Does she need more adventure? Are you taking enough healthy risks? Like say you have a dream of selling your art but you’re afraid. Putting yourself out there is a healthy risk. It’s your emotional safety that’s in jeopardy here. I want you to notice if you are getting a thrill by sneaking food off your plan or sneaking food when your partner or family isn’t around. This indicates you need more excitement in your life, and you’re getting it through food.
When you listen, you can also decipher whether you need fierce or tender compassion. This is borrowed from Dr. Kristen Neff who has a book out called Fierce Compassion. I haven’t read it yet, but heard about it on the podcast Therapy Chat which I would recommend.
If you notice your brain telling you things like, or “this one time won’t make a difference,” you can call upon fierce compassion to help you. Dr. Neff’s definition of Fierce compassion is taking action to alleviate suffering like a momma bear would. I want you to be your own momma bear when your brain tries to derail you.
The other type of self-compassion is Tender compassion in which we be with ourselves in an accepting way. You may need this when your brain says, “you had a hard day, you deserve a treat.” We can find other ways of taking care of ourselves after a hard day without food.
And lastly, I think this is my favorite. It’s supporting your inner rebel. Now, the definition of a rebel is someone who does not obey rules or accept normal standards of behavior. And what are normal standards of behavior when it comes to eating in western culture? In my country Canada, according to statistics Canada, in 2018, 63% of the population were either overweight or obese. In the US it’s 74% according to the CDC. It’s actually hard for me to believe that. And 20% of teenagers are obese which really breaks my heart. LISTEN, you are not only learning how to manage your brain and lose weight to fit into your jeans. Look at how many people need to see what is possible for them too. You are that example of what is possible.
All this to say, eating responsibly, eating according to your own protocol, is being very rebellious. It’s completely going against normal standards of behavior. Most people overeat. Not only on the weekends, and holidays but on a daily basis. Most people eat sugar and flour on a regular basis.
So if you’re managing your brain and not overeating you are already a rebel. But what if it’s better than that even? What if you could get a thrill out of saying no to dessert? What if you got a high from keeping your commitment to yourself? Going against what your friends, family, colleagues expect of you? And if that were true, how would it impact not just your food and weight but all aspects of your life?
Thanks for listening. If what I talked about today resonated with you and you are curious about coaching and not too sure what it’s about or you just know it’s time to take a different approach to your weight loss struggle, take the leap and set up a call with me to see if it’s in fact the next step for you. I want you to reach your goal weight - I don’t want you or anyone to have to struggle needlessly. And I’ll mention it once more if you want free resources - access to all my worksheets, go to mindfulshape.com/resources. Okay talk to you next time.