Ep. 14 Reinventing Yourself

In this episode we’re going to talk about how you change your story about yourself.  How changing your self-concept will automatically get you to start doing what you need to even though you haven’t been doing it. And you’ll learn the neuroscience behind it. 

One of the things that I think attracts people to coaching and personal growth in general is the idea that you can be a better version of yourself.

We live our lives in linear time and to thrive we need forward momentum. It gives us purpose. Our very sense of ourselves is partly who we are trying to become. Our future self if you will. 

Have you ever wanted to reinvent yourself?

There’s something about this concept that’s so appealing isn’t there? It has been for me. Like you could wipe the slate clean and start over. Maybe it’s simply a new and improved version of your current self or maybe it’s someone completely different - someone who dresses and acts totally different than you do now. There’s something so freeing about this - and I suspect it’s why some people love dressing up in costumes or doing drag. You get to drop your baggage, escape and pretend for a while.

Celebrities do this really well. Think of Madonna, Lady Gaga, Miley Cyrus or even Taylor Swift. They need to change their image on a regular basis to stay interesting and relevant. Remember the Lady Gaga of 2009 when Poker Face was a hit? - the whole masquerade ball thing, then the meat suit she wore and then her more recent look and forary into acting with A Star is Born. With every new incarnation, her changes.

And whatever look she embodies, her fans seem to embrace it. They believe the new identity - the new story. So where am I going with this?

If you want to change anything about yourself, you need to start changing your old story about who you are. That is you from the past, not your future self - who you are becoming. The narrative that you tell yourself about yourself is the most important thing you have. It becomes your identity. So to gain forward momentum, you want to be using your future self as an anchor, not your past self.

A perfect example of this are clients who have a story that they have “an addictive personality” I hear this often. Now to whether this is even a thing or not is for another day - but for this example, she says this because  she identifies as someone  who lacks self control. And this is based on her past behaviour - whether that’s food or binging netflix, over-shopping or whatever. 

So imagine a person how hard it is for this person to change any type of compulsive behaviour or habit when they think this about themselves. When they think it’s a part of their personality - again based on the past.  And how might it be different if she anchored toward the belief that she can trust herself. She’s in control of their own decisions. 

And also, let’s soften it up a bit by saying you don’t need to change a thing to be a full human being. But I think most people have something that they want to improve in their life. Even if that thing is total self-acceptance.

So let me just say that again:

The narrative that you tell yourself about yourself is the most important thing you have.

And often it’s so ingrained in us that until we reflect, we actually don’t know that it’s optional. 

I’ll share a quick story from my personal experience to give you another example. Maybe this will help you reflect on a similar experience in your own life that ultimately changed how you saw yourself and your identity.

Years ago I was working in retail and feeling very disenchanted with that career trajectory I was on. I simply didn’t know what I wanted to do. At a conference I met an executive coach and he took me under his wing for awhile. One day we met for coffee at starbucks and I was groaning about my job and telling him that I had a side project on the go designing jewelry. I was creating handcrafted pendants out of cabinet samples that were really graphic based and selling them online and at tradeshows. And then he asked me a question that changed the trajectory of my life. He said, “What would Paula, the designer be like?” 

And it was so powerful because I had never thought of myself as a designer, ever. But with that question - I could try it on. No commitment - just try it on to see what it would feel like. And it felt thrilling. I ended up going to school to take graphic design and design has been a huge part of my life and career ever since. 

So think about what identity you want to try on. Like a sweater - you can take it off if you don’t like it. How would you want your friends to describe you - maybe as athletic or health conscious, or someone who’s really focussed and driven? Committed? Goal oriented? What would that person be like? 

If you can start thinking of yourself as this kind of person, your actions will follow. When I started leaning into the identity of being a designer, I was open to more possibilities that moved me in this direction. I then took the action step of going to school for design which turned that into a reality. It didn’t happen overnight, sure. But it did happen.

Right now your identity is determined by your past.

And that doesn’t have to get in the way of taking the action you want to take. What are your big dreams? What action do you need to be taking to get you there and how do you need to relate to yourself to actually get yourself to do that action? 

Disclaimer - I have a social science degree - I did a triple major in psychology, anthropology and sociology. I did not take any neuroscience, so that’s my disclaimer. But I’m really fascinated with the subject so I’ll share with you what I’ve learned as I understand it. Hopefully, like me it will help you make sense of yourself. And I’ll put a link in the shownotes if you want to go deeper.

So I want to connect how you can shift your old identity to a new identity through a neuroscience perspective. 

Okay, so your brain is with you no matter where you go  - it’s processing your daily experience and carries all of the history that happened in the form of memories that are not accurate. Why are they not accurate? Because your brain can’t keep every little thing on record, so to be efficient, it has recorded the memory by compressing the information in storage. 

Here’s what’s really interesting: Memories change every time you use them.

So if I ask you what you had for lunch yesterday. You open up that stored memory and tell me, but then it goes into storage and you save it differently.

When I ask you again later, you’ll open up that modified version. This means you can change the past in a way. Or at least you can change your experience of the things that happened in the past.

Basically your brain tries to simulate the future and make predictions. The main point is that all you really have is the present - which is only a sliver of reality. That’s all you have. And you control everything that happens there. You get to interact with the present with your thinking. 

If you keep telling yourself a different story you WILL change your narrative - not just in a theoretical sense.

That’s what I want to get across here. Over time, you will actually change how you relate to yourself through this modified memory process. You are not confined to your past experience. You can look at things differently. This is how psychotherapy and coaching work. 

So think of it like this. When you have a limiting thought that’s rooted in your past - like “I have an addictive personality” - first question that thought. Where did it come from? Is it even valid? Maybe that’s all it takes to start changing your story. But if you’re a slow learner like me, you’ll need to work harder. 

If you’re working with someone it’s easier because that person doesn’t see you from your limited perspective. From your past. No. They see you at your goal. Now your friends and family are the exception to this. You can have the most amazing friends and family but you may notice that they use your past or current version of you as the anchor. 

So like, if I tell me my mom my dream is to coach full time - she doesn’t see me as a coach, so she’s gonna be like - that’s nice. (Now I love my mom - she’s supportive in her own way) And I don’t blame her because I understand that’s her reality right? Her reference point. She doesn’t identify me as a full time coach yet (because it hasn’t yet manifested in the physical world - it’s still an idea).

Now, if I start working with a coach myself who says, damn right you’re going to be a full time coach. It’s already done on the non-physical plane. Now what’s the next step to bring this to the physical plane as soon as possible? That difference is simply due to a different perspective of me. So how I show up - how I talk about my coaching business with my mom is different than how I talk about it with my coach. Make sense right? And that reinforces the whole dynamic and identity.

So let’s make this about you. Who are you being toward yourself about your big dream? Now that’s probably not a coaching business - maybe it’s about losing 50lbs or meeting your person.

Whatever it is - check in with yourself right now. Who are you being in this scenario with yourself? Are you being my mom (seeing the past you) or the coach (see the future you who has already succeeded)

But it can be hard to change your story - to change how you see yourself.  So how do you do it? Let’s talk about some practical things you can start doing. 

1. You have the ability to change any story by reflecting on it and choosing to learn.

So that’s the case if we’re talking about why you went off plan yesterday or if you still carry residual baggage from a previous break up. Take the time in your journal or with a professional to reflect on your thoughts, feelings and actions and decide what you will do in a similar circumstance next time. This is how we learn and grow.

2. Ask “Is this true?” Bring it out into the open. Get out of your old programming by using this simple question over and over again. So often we’re not taking action because we’re living from an old identity that doesn’t believe it’s possible. “Your big dream is not possible.” Question that thought. 

3. Get pumped about your new identity. Again, whether this is in your journal or with a coach - what would be possible for you if you lived from this new identity. 

If you start getting pumped but find yourself going down the rabbit hole of negativity - “yeah but, I always say I’m going to eat right and never do..” Stop it. Notice yourself doing that and don’t let your brain slip into black and white thinking anchoring to the past. This is your brain being really “smart” and justifying your current story. Know that people change. You can change - your brain can and will make physical changes that can be measured if you can start anchoring in your thoughts to your future self.

4. So how do you get unstuck - go back to the question: How do you want to think of yourself? As smart or as a learning - someone who learns quickly, who works until they get it. This is when it’s really helpful to work with a coach because they will call you out on that B.S. and walk you through it.

Fun fact - It only takes your brain 8 repetitions to code something. Why do you think celebrities get paid millions for endorsements? If I show you a picture of Jennifer Aniston and then I show you a picture of Smart Water, then 8 times I show you those pictures together - your brain will now associate Jennifer Anniston with Smart Water and vice versa - even if it’s simply subconsciously. 

Certain times of the day will influence the number of repetitions needed too. It can be down to 3 if you tie in a certain time to it. 

So vow to code some thoughts for yourself. Make a list of all your obstacle thoughts that you KNOW will come up whenever you make a plan and then you’re in that sacred moment when you have a choice to take an action. If you can code a thought like, “I’ll never change” with “I’m changing slowly everyday” you’ll start building a new identity for yourself. Or if you can code, “I’m lazy and don’t feel like working out ” to “I can do 15 mins even if I don’t feel like it because I’m badass.” 

So what’s happening over there for you?

In that beautiful brain of yours. You may be thinking this all sounds okay, but you probably won’t do it. See how clever your brain is? So efficient. 

“This will be extra work and who wants that. You have enough to worry about!”

I understand. And for some of you, that might be perfectly fine. Food for thought right? But I suspect that for many of you - that’s simply not good enough. You are tired of going in circles. You’re tired of watching others succeed while you’re wondering why you’re a smart person and yet you aren’t where you want to be. You do not have to be smart to master your brain. In fact, I sometimes wonder if it hinders you because you tend to over analyze, over plan and keep beating the same drum of your old self concept. Your past self.

So, let’s review. What have we learned today - first what’s your big dream and what identity is tied to that big dream. What are the obstacle thoughts you’re having on a regular basis that are getting in the way? Question them and replace them with the thoughts that are in alignment with your goal and with your future badass self. 

If you were your own coach who believed in you (and you are!), how would you relate to yourself differently? You can become whoever you want to be, and it takes self-reflection, patience and time. But don’t worry, the neuroscience backs you up.

Thanks for listening - I hope that was helpful.