Paula

Thank you so much for doing this, Beth. I really appreciate you coming on. So in our last call together, the reflection call, you mentioned that you started out, you were feeling kind of hopeless and helpless. And then throughout your journey, you're now feeling really empowered 

As much as you feel comfortable with, can you share a little bit about your background in terms of just your relationship with food, body, anything like that, that would be helpful.

Beth

Yeah. Yeah. So to give context for my whole journey. So I come from a background in performance. I was a pro wrestler at a very high level on television. So I started my journey with that in the late,  late  1900s. Oh my God. 1999.  Yeah. So like 1999 is kind of when I got started in moving and then, you know, hit international stage like around  2005, six. So I was working on television and on pay per views and that involved you know, presenting my body to the world. And so I think along with that came a lot of, a lot of pressure to maintain a certain physique and have a certain look and a lot of competitiveness with those around me to look a certain way so that our, you know, our bodies were our brand, our product.

So not only, you know, was the performance important with our, with not, not ranking system, but how we were used as characters, but how we looked, you know, our, being a female in the sport to sexuality was really tied to that. So looking good, looking sexy was a big part of the brand, but even rewinding a little bit behind that body image had always been a struggle for me.

I went through a little heavy phase in puberty and I feel like that kind of offset a lot of disordered eating for me. So I have been in counseling-  in and out of counseling many times as a youth with disordered eating. Then I entered a career that was very, you know, aesthetic based. So I feel like it was kind of the perfect storm to set a lifetime of disordered eating in front of me.

I was really used to yo yo dieting. And, you know, when I started listening to your podcast, the yo yo-ing had kind of got out of control and I wasn't able to, I wasn't able to take off that 10 pounds anymore easily. And it wasn't because I didn't know how to do it.

I would say, I am very well educated in every, in the, in the how, you know, how to lose weight and how to, to find health. I'm so educated in that. I've spent years studying that and understanding body chemistry and, you know, physiques, but it was the why that I, I just, The why was always for performance and it was never for myself or my own self esteem or health.

It was very aesthetic based, very reward based. And so it just kind of had spiraled and spiraled and spiraled. And I have two daughters and I feel a great responsibility to be a model for them on health, not just aesthetics. So I had, I kind of hit like a rock bottom in early 2023. 

For myself, I feel like I was really ignoring a lot of my internal emotions and leaning heavily on coping. So, you know, negative coping with alcohol, negative coping with binge eating, which I always had done, but it just got to the point where, like, I couldn't.  I couldn't undo the side effects, which was weight gain and feeling miserable and being hungover, sugar hangovers, and and doom scrolling, which then I would get because I, you know, have a public profile, I would get negative feedback on, you know, how I looked or, or my age or whatever.

And that started that just, I was just feeding the fire of negativity and just hit a wall with it all. And I realized I had to do something different. When you reached out to me, what was your weight loss goal?  My weight loss goal was 25 pounds, which was essentially, it was kind of what I had gained over the course of the year again, like if I had to do, and I had done some sporadic performances for WWE over the years, and I, I could get in shape fast, like if that's my motivation, and I have to be on TV, that's enough fear, that's fear based motivation that I'm like, Oh my God, I don't want to look bad so that I get bad feedback.

So I would kill myself in the gym, you know, and train and train and train and eat so clean. And it was like, whatever this 12 week, you know, cut and look great, that went really well. And I got great feedback. Oh, you look great. And then I get back home, get back into the same routines and feel terrible.

Cause I never was, you know, peeling back the layers of the onion as, as to the lie and find myself right back in the same spot again, or even worse, like having gained even more weight. So. When I came to you it was, long story short, it was about 25 pounds. I feel like that was my coping weight that I kept like swinging back up between 20 and 25 pounds. 

Paula

Looking back now, and I think you kind of touched on this already, but what do you think was really getting in the way of you releasing that on your own? 

Beth

The why a hundred percent the why, you know, finding my husband had gotten phenomenal shape. He's 50 years old. And about six years ago, we'd had our second kid, you know, he gained the sympathy weight and he was feeling really bad about himself and his why.

And I had such admiration for him and he just told me it was so simple. I was like, how do you get in such great shape? He's like, well, I did it for myself. I did, I did it for myself. And I'm like, That's too easy. You know, and I just, I didn't, I couldn't process that. Like, so I was like, and then maybe that doesn't work for me.

So I, I, what worked this time was like, my why was very clear to me. And it was the first time it wasn't for wrestling. It wasn't to look good in a bikini. It wasn't, you know, summer season or whatever. Like the, why wasn't just this like end goal, but then I would toss out the window or new year's resolutions.

I was a serial resolution maker and breaker. It was, it was for me and to get off that horse and I had to make drastic changes. In order to even open that door to be able to look at what's the why.  

Paula

What were some of those changes that you started to make that made a difference? 

Beth

I did some wormhole research on dopamine because I come from an industry that’s performance based, like these highs are big.

I'm not a recreational drug user, but it's what I would imagine drugs feel like, like it's euphoric. It's this huge, incredible high when you have thousands of people calling, you know, calling your name and reacting to what you're doing. The power of that. I don't know, the dopamine hit is unbelievable.

So it's hard to replicate in any way. So you know, that's where I started developing these negative habits to feel good because it was just hard to live regular life after that and I would have this huge dump on the other side, the dopamine dump and not be able to like, I couldn't get back into a space where normal living made me feel good.

So I, I had to like, I had to really look at that first. And then it was identifying three main things. The first thing was alcohol, which, you know, I, I wasn't drinking alcohol to excess where I couldn't function or anything, but it was a crutch. Like, it was like, oh, it's been a hard day for mommy.Mommy needs a glass of wine. 

And it just went from like this occasional thing to like, it's a regular part of my day in my life. And I woke up feeling terrible. And what would happen is like, you know, if. I was numbing on the surface level, my inhibitions or maybe my better judgment than I was making bad decisions progressively, like, you know, instead of doing something productive or something healthy or eating, bad choices with food, especially like having wine. And then that bowl of ice cream is way easier to reach for. When you're not thinking about the consequences of it. And then the third thing was the bad habit of looking for feedback on myself, you know, like posting selfies and being like, do they think I'm beautiful? Like attention and approval seeking. And that was really hard to look at. 

But I had to identify those three things in my life and really focus on not doing that because, and it started with alcohol and I was like, yeah this feels insurmountable like other than pregnancy and breastfeeding, I hadn't gone a length of time without a glass of wine in years, years. And so I was like, well, what, what would that look like if I tried it a little bit here and tried it a little bit there? And I tried moderation for a while. And it just always circled me back to feeling terrible. So I was like, this is maybe something I just need to leave in the past and not do anymore.

And I started to feel so proud of myself for going a long length of time without needing the crutch of alcohol then I was like, okay, maybe, maybe the next crutch is the binge eating. Cause I, after I stopped drinking, I sure as heck was binge eating. I was eating everything. Cause you know, I realized like, Oh, I don't have that dopamine hit. 

So what's the next thing in line? It was that.  

Paula 

Okay. Did you have any hesitations before we started working together?  Just my hesitation, I've tried everything. I have worked with some of the best trainers you can imagine, like, you know, fitness champions, not even competitors, like champions in the fitness industry.

Wonderful people, motivated, excellent trainers. You know, I've worked with just so many people over the years. I've done a nauseating amount of research on, on the whole, you know cycle and in all the weight loss industry, you know, and in all my investigations, when I stumbled upon your podcast over a year ago it was just a completely different approach.

And I've been in therapy for, you know, bulimia for binge eating. And even in therapy, I don't feel like we really looked at the why and the reframing and investigating the mindset and the drama surrounding food and how that connects to my youth and my job and my current place in life.

And so I was just like this serial podcaster of yours for a long time. And my biggest hesitation was like, okay, if we transition to individual working together on the individual level, well, will I just fail again? Like, will this just become 1 more thing that I try and it works in the beginning and then I just…you know, I go back to the same habits. 

Paula

Yeah. Why do you think that didn't happen?  

Beth

Well, and we talked about this a few times. Like I think that it was happening repeatedly because I never worked on trusting myself. I always just wrote that narrative. I'm like, I'm going to fail. You know, I've been my biggest obstacle - myself.

Not anybody else. Like my husband would tell me, you can do anything. Look at you. Look at your past. Look at the demonstration of the things in your life that you said you were going to do, and they weren't easy things and you went and did it. So like, why would this be any different?

And the reason it was different was because I told myself it was the same thing I'm going to fail. I can't do it. And when we just started kind of like, you know, journaling and you would give me materials to really like start processing and working through these patterns in my thinking, it was just so, it was, It's just such a bright light bulb, but also it was simple.

It was just so simple. Like I could just see myself standing in the way of where I wanted to be. And out of protection, you know, or out of fear. It wasn't like I was wanting to harm myself, but it's just a pattern that I had learned to feel safe and, and I don't know, maybe drama seeking. 

Paula

One of the goals that you, we talked about in addition to the weight loss was not eating past satiation. What I call it, satiation, not eating past where you'd feel uncomfortable in your body where you feel like you're eating the right amount of food. I know a struggle for a lot of women that I talk to. How do you think you were able to make progress in that area specifically? 

Beth

So in the beginning I didn't stop binge eating at all. I was still doing it but the biggest thing I did was pay attention to how I felt. And I had this, like, I just had this visualization of like this, okay. Hunger equals a hole in me. There's a hole and I'm going to fill the hole with food. 

And when I would be eating or binge eating, the hole never got filled. It was like, I could just eat. It was like, I don't know how else to put it. Like a God size hole, like a huge hole in me. And no amount of food, like even eating till I was sick, never, never filled the hole. So then when that hole would still feel empty after I ate a pizza or ate whatever it was that was excessive, you know, that's where I would reach for something else or pick up the phone and look on Instagram and look for the worst things, you know, and I don't know, just all, all the negative coping because that didn't fill the hole.

And so I had to like, really look at like, why? And, and this was the really yucky work. This was the tears. And I headed to the yoga studio a lot and quietly cried and downward dog a lot,  you know, just kind of digging into why, why is that hole there and how do I fill it?  How do I fill it with goodness and trust instead of like just filling it with stuff that it, you know, like I was just hungry for kindness, self kindness.

That's really what it was. And I was mistaking it for food.

Paula

You said, since doing this work, you've become kinder to yourself. You trust yourself more and you give yourself more credit than you did before. How has that impacted how you show up in this area of life? 

Beth

I think I'm just in a more steady state.

I'm not quick to anger because I don't have this little dialogue in my head that's in the back of my mind; how I talk to others and how I interact with others. Like that voice I have, I haven't even, I hate to say it, like shut it up. It's still there, but I listen to it now and then I have more understanding of where it's coming from and why that voice is telling me you're fat, you're stupid, you're ugly, you're dumb. I understand why and I have empathy for myself. I used to look at [myself], look at that poor girl. I wish I could give her a hug.

Now I'm like, nah, that girl has walked through fire. Like I look back at my state, my prior, you know, seasons of life. And I'm like, wow, like that girl had all that weight on her shoulders and still marched forward and still got the hell up. And so I embrace her, warts and all. I love that part of myself instead of looking at it and being like, Ugh, the stupid choices you made, you know?

Paula

So much self-acceptance that I'm hearing there too. And I think it's also important to remember that, that negative voice for all of us, some people call it like inner critic or just negative thinking or self-judgment, anything like that. It's not, I don't think it ever like goes away entirely, but it's just how… I was thinking about this lately in terms of like your some of your thoughts are like fruit flies and they just like kind of come in and you can just like bat them away and some are like wasps where they like sting you and you just really feel the impact of that in your body, but it sounds like you're moving towards those little like fruit fly thoughts. It's like, you still hear it, still have that negative thinking, but it doesn't impact you in the same way. You're able to like, continue to have kind self accepting thoughts about yourself as well. 

Beth

Right. And I try to look at those thoughts, like instead of intrusive, like they were protective thoughts.

And they come from a place of when I was a kid, I had food insecurity because we came from a financial situation where we almost lost our home. We almost lost everything. We, you know, where we were groceries were only bought one day a week and we had to, you know, there weren't many options for us as kids.

So I realize now, like the food hoarding and the food binging comes from a place of like, I'm scared I'm not gonna get to eat again. And that, you know, so when those thoughts are intrusive, like I realize it's myself wanting to take care of myself and feel safe and I just turn around and I tell that voice, you're okay. You're good. You're not that little girl. You're not food insecure. It's kind of helped me look at opportunities to help in the community too, because I'm like, well, maybe food insecurity is my lane.

Like, maybe that's a place I serve or help, you know, just because it is something that I truly, I have a rapport. I understand what that feels like and what that can, how that can affect your development long term.  

Paula

It kind of goes back to what you said in the beginning of connecting to the why, why is this happening? Why in terms of my compelling reason, but also why would that voice be telling me that? And then if you can look at it with more compassion of like, oh, this makes sense. It's trying to protect me.

Then you can engage with that in a completely different way other than being like, this shouldn't happen.

Beth

Yeah.  A million percent. I think that having compassion for myself in the past, instead of roasting myself. And even that means like the past, like yesterday, you know, it helps me have compassion for myself in the present being like, okay, why am I having this thought?

Or You know, I've been daydreaming about ice cream for three days. I keep bringing up ice cream. You can tell it's my favorite. If I really want it, then I'm going to have it, but I'm going to be kind to myself about it. What's the point of having it if afterward you're like, oh, I shouldn't have had that and I suck and I'm weak. 

All that dialogue is so toxic and it then gives me anxiety. It’s such a bad  cycle. So it's such a bad space to live in that I needed to make abrupt changes in those thoughts  in order to live in a different space. 

Paula

So how much weight have you released?

Beth

Like 26 pounds. So just over what I had wanted to lose. Yeah. 

Paula

Amazing. And you've had tremendous success, but it wasn't all smooth sailing. So what were some of the challenges that you overcame and how did you overcome them?  

Beth

So my biggest challenge…me resolution queen, you know, I just knew, and I had this order in my head, like the biggest thing I can't make any progress in my weight loss goals or my health goals until alcohol is off the table.

After experimenting, I was like, this just doesn't work for me. So I decided I'm just leaving it in the past for 2024. I'm not going back. Some things don't work.

You know, like I tried skiing and it scares me and I twisted my knee. I'm probably never going to ski again. You know? And for me, just like closing that door was more like a relief and stop trying to like, you know, pretend.

I was worried about social acceptance - what people will think - that I have a problem or there's something wrong with me but it was just, I'm like, no, just remove all the sting from that. This is a health choice I'm making.

And so getting that off the table again was immediately accompanied with like, okay, I'm not drinking wine right now. So like, what do I do? And so I was overeating.

And this was like two, three months, I would say into our coaching. I would say it actually ended up being a great experience for me because I was learning about myself and my clarity was improving from just healthier habits, sleeping better and you know, not having the dopamine swinging all over.

And so when I was binge eating I was able to dig deeper into the why and do more of the work and then get a little deeper. And it definitely wasn't one of those things where I woke up one day and I'm like, Oh, okay. Today's the day that I don't binge eat. You know, like it was really slow and it was like just doing it less and less and less until like, I felt like my portions started evening out.

And then I got to a point where I'm like, okay, what I learned about myself is the same thing I learned about alcohol is like sugar is very triggering for me. If I eat carbs, you know what I mean? Like carbs and I don't agree. My weight loss was very stalled when I tried to keep a little bit of carbohydrate in there and I had always been taught to maintain muscle and to maintain these big muscular physiques that we had in wrestling, you have to have the certain macro, you know, percentage to maintain and grow muscle. And so carbs were always factored in there, but it just wasn't working for my chemistry and my brain and my emotions. It was still sending me swinging, even as moderate as it would seem.

And it's not like it's a drug, but it was hitting my body feeling like a drug. So once I kind of went more to a keto based diet and I tried fasting, I found my cravings started to get less and less and the portions I was eating were much more moderate, when I just kind of took sugar off the table.

Like, it's just, I'm not eating sugar. The only thing I'd allow myself is like berries or like some yogurt, something like that. But healthy, all fruits and vegetables. And then it was just very little changes. And then even like swapping out, you know, snacks for more fruits and vegetables. And I used to always feel like fruit was the enemy because it's a sugar quote unquote.

But I was like, if it comes from the earth, it can't be that bad. So I just incorporated it. It's a better choice to reach for fruit than a protein shake that's made with all these chemicals. So that was just, it was just small, small, small changes. And then like, like I've told you many times, like the weight loss was kind of the last thing to happen for me.

It was just the last thing. It just started happening slowly. And I just kept weighing myself and weighing myself to take the sting and the dopamine hit out of the weighing. So like I'd weigh myself at the beginning of the day and the end of the day, and then I'd see that weight swing sometimes. Six to eight pounds iIf you can believe it, like, I couldn't believe it. 

When I just weighed myself so frequently, I saw what a spectrum your weight truly is. And that made it mean less to me. It wasn't like this one point in the day. And I starved myself for five days and it's gotta be two pounds or bust.

It was like two pounds, like two pounds is so deceiving, you know, it's a deceiving number. That was also teaching myself to not associate that weight loss, the scale coming down with the dopamine hit. 

Paula

I'm so glad you shared that because we get really, we can get really caught up in, Oh, it went up today and we get discouraged and then we overeat, but that has nothing to do with fat gain or fat loss. It's just like the normal fluctuations. And as you said, what can be helpful is if anyone's really struggling with this, weigh yourself in the morning and then weigh yourself at night, because you, as you've said, it could be six to eight pounds, depending on your salt, depending on so many factors, but it teaches your brain, which you just described, it teaches your brain not to put that much emphasis on that number.

It's like, yeah, it's one indication, but we're really taking a look at what I call it a protocol, like how you're eating,  eating when you're hungry, not eating past satiation. Getting as you kind of talked about the bio individuality of like, which foods serve me, this is what works for a lot of people, but this is what works for me and it takes some time, I think for a lot of us to really tune in to like, which foods work for us and which foods are not so great.

But if we're not paying attention, we'll never know that. So it's so important. Yeah. 

Beth

And I think one thing that was really valuable when we started working together too, that I found surprising was you're like, fine, what works for you? Here's some, you know, here's some things that I suggest or recommendations, but really it's like, if an all carb diet works for you, you know, like as long as you're doing the real work, which is the mindset work, then really any eating style, any sustainable eating style. You know what I mean? That’s the key there. Sustainable. And that's where I'm at now because I did not want to put myself on another plan that I don't like. I don't like eating boiled chicken and broccoli. I don't like it.

And I've done so many cycles of that.  And it ends up yo yoing me because I don't like it, my kids won't eat that. So I want to eat dinner with my kids. I want us all to eat, you know, Some version of the same meal together. And so it wasn't sustainable and I knew I wouldn't stick to it. So I had to find a way that this could be a livable plan.

And then it's not really a plan. It's just who I am and what I do now. 

Paula

Yeah. That's that lifestyle piece. Let me talk about one of the things that you mentioned, which I had a little bit of a light bulb moment was you said, you know, two to three months in there were some challenges coming up and how useful you said it was actually good that that happened and which is such a good reframe too because I think sometimes whenever we start a program say like a weight loss program or whatever, we get into the black and white thinking of okay now I'm starting it's day one and I'm going to be perfect.  I'm going to need to be perfect this entire time. That's what we're kind of setting ourselves up for. So people will even start working with me and think, okay, now it's all going to be just like weight loss from here on out. And I'm going to be on point with how I'm eating.

And then when they notice that, Oh, that's not happening. You can get so discouraged. And I love how you spoke about it and how you're thinking about it, which is no, this is, this is why I have the coaching. Like this is, this is all good because I'm going to learn so much more. I'm not going to go to my old pattern of being like, Oh, well, this doesn't work or I suck at this or whatever. It's like, Oh no, I can learn from this. This is why I need to coach my brain so I can overcome this obstacle that has held me back in the past. And I just think it's so great because it takes you out of that black and white thinking you have to be perfect the whole time.

Like, no, of course not. Of course you're not going to be, but that's, I think one of the reasons why you've been so successful too.  

Beht

Well, that's my total toxic trait. You nailed it. It's like, I'm going to start Monday and I'll Sunday do all the shopping and the food prep. 

I love a good fresh start. It just feels so good. And motivation is high in the beginning. And I told you this tons, like I'm scared, I'm scared. My biggest fear is once that initial motivation wears off. What I learned is that's where the real sticky work begins and I almost wanted to quit like, you know, three two three months in and I'm like You know, I'm still binge eating and it felt really ugly.

And I was going through some other stuff with like, you know, closing some chapters in my life and just finding what's next. You know, I'm 43, I'll be 44. So there's, you know, I'm at an age where performance is - that is sun setting and there's room. What's next? So I think I talked to you more about that, about my career changes and where I stand as a woman than I did about food at that time, but that's when I needed the coaching the most and that would be normally the time period where I would just quit because that’s when the hard work's coming, that icky stuff is starting to dredge up and the emotions.

And I don't want to run from that to all the things that temporarily made me feel better. And so I felt like even though it's weight loss coaching. That's what brought me to the table. That is definitely not the most important thing. It was learning about myself.

And I learned the most in those muddy areas and learned what I need to take care of myself and to not go back to that space where I'm just kind of covering it all up and, and emotional pain sucks like emotional pain is, it's the worst kind of pain. I've had children, I had a career where I broke bones blew my knee out, broke my jaw, a lot of injuries, serious pain throughout my life. 

But that stuff was a breeze compared to looking in my heart and the why and my family and what I need to rebuild myself to be able to be a good parent, a better parent.  

Paula

On the flip side, like you were able to kind of go through the fire of that working through that emotional stuff without turning to food as a coping mechanism.

You were able to learn some tools like how to deal with it differently, all that emotional stuff. What were some of your favorite parts of doing this kind of work? 

Beth

I was excited to share successes and also like I could just feel myself metaphorically getting lighter. I could just feel, I could feel myself waiting through the muck and then being so excited to be like, look how far I've gotten, look how far I've gotten and getting encouragement. And like I said, I'm definitely not opposed to traditional therapy and counseling. I think it's absolutely wonderful work and great help for so many people but the thing about the coaching is I did feel like I liked all the offerings. Like you would reflect where we're at, help me kind of put words to it, put words to feelings that I was just getting to know. But then I liked the offering and the direction, you know, without it being directive, it was an offering.

And so it was like, here's some options and you might want to try this. It was just helping to organize my very chaotic thinking.  And also like, I really enjoyed just being able to share those victories because, you know, when your family, my husband's so close to me, we're together all the time and he only has one perspective. And so if I'm sharing things with him or this journey that I'm having, it just, it felt really supportive to be able to talk to somebody that has a different perspective on it.  

Paula

Yeah. I think that's so cool. It's a big part of the coaching process and having a coach, because normally either we don't have people in our, our lives that can I mean, it sounds like you do have people in your life that you will celebrate your wins with you, but oftentimes we won't even see them ourselves or, and, or we don't feel like super comfortable.

Like I'm not going to talk to my husband about everything that happens with my weight or like with food or that kind of thing. So it's like, it's kind of like, let's just keep the sexiness alive in that relationship. Like not talking about this thing, but then we have that space where we really get to, um, be prompted.

Also to acknowledge our victories and then have a safe place to like, really like celebrate that. And that I think really builds momentum too.  

Beth

Yeah. And then even like looking at, you know, when I was hitting sticking points, really looking at, at what was going on and why was that happening? And also. This is and I said this to you from jump to the lack of feeling of rush like I didn't feel a rush like we set this big goal early on.

I set some goals, which I love. I love a good goal to like a fresh start. But I just didn't feel like if it didn't happen in the 6 month term that we had set up. I didn't feel like this extreme rush because I knew there were other ducks I needed to get in a row first And that was more important because I wasn't in it for this six month magical transformation.

I wanted to just have a fresh life, a new way to walk through life, just a new attitude, a better attitude and less food drama  with every single choice in the day. I don't want to be thinking about food all day. It was a difficult space to live in and a place I put myself in and couldn't figure out how to get out.

Paula

What are you most proud of?  

Beth

I'm super proud of being able to trust myself. And I just think, that's really, the secret sauce is like, I never trusted myself. I can't trust myself to do anything or, you know, I'll do it for everybody else, but I don't show up for myself.

And I, I thought like how lame, like I would show up if somebody needed me, I'd be there in a second. If they need, you know, I'd give them the shirt off my back gladly for people, my friends and family, those I love. But I'm like, well, I wouldn't, if I saw myself sitting there on a bench looking a hot mess, I wouldn't do that for myself.

You know, I'd be like, oh, you're fine. You know, and I wasn't fine. So I think like trusting myself to like, listen, when things don't feel good. And then all these other wonderful changes have just been a product of that. But looking at things I've done in the past and using that as evidence to support why I should trust myself was a big part of the process too.

So I'm proud of walking into this new chapter and feeling like definitely I trust myself so much more. 

Paula

Yeah. Cause you started slow and built up. More and more and more evidence where your brain could really believe it. I think when we start, we kind of have to go out on a whim of being like, I think this might be possible for me to do.

And then we start building the evidence and then we can really start feeling like we're connected to that trust. We can like feel that trust in our bodies. But initially it's like more of an idea.  And then after a while, as we take action and show evidence, then we feel it, we embody it.  

Beth

And that was the big thing that you had emphasized to me early on too, is feeling things in my body.

And I was just so numb. I didn't feel anything. I didn't feel other than like, I'm unhappy. That was like just the essential truth that I'm really unhappy. And then, and I just needed to, I just needed to sit for a minute and like, look at it and look at myself and be like, I can do better for myself.

I would never treat my kids the way I treat myself. So what are they learning? You know, what are they learning from watching the way I talk to myself and I behave and I don't do things for myself. And I don't think that's selfish. I think that's like just putting the pieces in the right places.

Paula

Tell me about how you're thinking or feeling about your impact on them now when it comes to food and body.  

Beth

I'm a much more stable force now. I would say that. And like even I had such mind drama about wearing a bathing suit. I wouldn't even want to get in the water and my mother is like that too.

She won't put a bathing suit on. She doesn't own one. And so like she won't go play in the water with us ever. And I remember that as a child, nowhere near the water. And I'm the same way. Like I'd wear my cover up and I'd be sitting at the pool and comparing my body and just feeling like trash. And I was like, you know what? 

I don't want them to see me sitting here. I started seeing my eight year old doing that kind of like putting her arms across her tummy. And you know, I could see her like looking around. I'm like, Oh no, she's like learning this comparative and they'll learn it enough from their social circles. So I was like, they don't need me putting gasoline on that fire.

So I felt really proud of myself and I feel like it's been powerful to put on a swimsuit and get in the water with them and not be on the side. Like, oh, mom's got to do work on the computer, which would just be an excuse. I definitely could make the time to get in the pool and, and wear a swimsuit and just lay there and be, you know, comfortable with myself, not being so scared for anybody to see.

You know what I look like and judge me because what I learned too is nobody's looking,  nobody's looking, nobody's like, Oh my, you know? 

Paula

Nobody's looking in the same way that you were looking. 

Beth

No, nobody's like looking at me and being like, Oh, look at your thighs. I am doing that to myself.

Nobody else is doing that. My husband's probably giving me a little thirsty eye. That's just where I have that dialogue in my head. It's not real that people are walking, looking at me, like nobody cares. They're like, Oh, look, a mother with her kids. They don't care. And if they do care, they're not my friends.

Like it speaks more about them than me. If they're worried about my thighs, it's like, that says more about you.  

Paula

Exactly. But I love that. Such a good reminder because we're in summer, right? It's like the middle of summer and a lot of us, like I went to the lake a week ago and we're in a bathing suit and especially with the kids, you want to interact, even if you're feeling self conscious.

I just think that's such a good reminder that you get to give yourself that permission of being like, you know what, it's okay. If I'm having some like negative body talk, even in the moment, it's okay. I can handle that because it's more important for me to engage with my kids. And especially show for sure daughters, but sons too, that you don't have to look a certain way to engage, to participate.

Cause it's like all that subliminal messaging that they're getting. I just think it's such a gift. It's such a gift to give to them. 

Beth

They're so intuitive too. They can feel the negative energy. They can feel the anxiety, like they know it. But if you show up and you know, you're like, I'm going to hop in the water and guess what?

It feels good. And when they see you feeling good and that smile on your face, they feel good. They feel that. Kids are so intuitive, no matter how hard I would try to hide all this stuff I was going through, they know, they know everything.  

Paula

Just getting to the end here. What do you think other women need to know about reaching their weight loss goals and keeping it off? 

So I think that my generation, again, like I think I'm like elder millennial Gen Z on that border. Like we grew up in, our teens were in the nineties and I That was a really tough decade for body image. I feel like it was you know, Photoshop was the thing before, you know, Instagram filters, but in particular, I feel like that was, that was a tough decade.

But I know that a lot of the fitness industry has never been booming harder, and women have never been harder on themselves. But I also see incongruence and with this generation in particular. Even with their fashions, I see like the comfy generation, like they're wearing comfier clothes.

It's not so much about showing belly buttons. It's about like, you know, like softer, bigger pants. And I hope and I see a lot of our youth looking for ways to have body positive messages. And so I'm, I, I know that there is always going to be the Kardashian pressures, but on the flip, I think there is more like, I love Billie Eilish.

I think she like kind of,  she just has a nice energy and a vibe and a good body presentation. Like she has a lot of good energy around that. And I think there's going to be a lot more positive influences for this younger generation. So I guess I would say as somebody who struggled with eating disorders and just was bumping into walls for a long time and as a mother and really, I've tried everything.

I hate to say it, but I think I relate to a lot of, men and women that I've tried everything and it always brought me back to the same spot and that's because it's not about the how it's about the why the why and why do I feel inclined to lose weight? Do I need to lose weight or do I just need to change my relationship with food?

Like, is it about the scale or is it just that I think about food a lot, you know, because I've never been an extremely overweight person but I would say to folks like considering this journey, like kind of just investigate the why, like what is it that's leading me in this way?

Is it social pressure or is it for my health? And then just also understanding that a gentle approach, like the boot camp approach, it works temporarily cause it's fear based. But the reality is if it's not something that you want to come back to each and every day, Then it's not going to be sustainable and sustainable long term weight loss is long term health and it gives you the best odds in life and the best quality of life.

So I would say investigate the why. And I think talking from a serial diet that it's taken me this long. I think it's totally possible for anybody with any relationship with food to improve that and the coaching was paramount for me in doing that.  

Paula

Amazing. Thank you.

I think that's the opportunity then to focus on again, as you said, that lifestyle piece and the relationship with food and not overthinking or having so much drama around food all the time and having it be such a charge and use it as like a coping mechanism.  We can, if we're focused on that, if like that is our why on what we actually and it's like, yeah, we do get weight loss for sure, but here's what really matters to me is my health, how I'm showing up with my kids, my own relationship with myself and how I'm able to like process and deal with my emotional world. 

Beth

Yeah. And I think like, you know, it's different for everybody, but the number 25 pounds that I had picked was a superfluous number from before I had kids, this was a number that I could run really comfortably. That's like where I got that number. But, you know, as we were in our coaching, I was just like, You know, that number isn't as important to me.

That number really was just like a number [ where I was ] really fast. My 5k was fast at that weight, but that really changed. And I realized my body's going to come to a spot that I just feel really good and I can eat comfortably and I don't feel deprived and I think I've landed in that spot now where I can have a little extra nibble there or here and I can balance things a lot better. 

But I think being kind to yourself and being just open hearted to grow will help you get to that spot. 

Paula

So what's next for you?

Beth

From January, I had been worried - am I going to backslide or whatever? And is my motivation going to wane? And after doing a lot of internal work, I hesitate to be like, everything's all better and I'm in such a great spot, but I am, I'm in a great spot. And I think because I do have this self trust, like I, I'm not really worried about hanging up the phone and then being like, Oh, I might have to leave the nest - Paula's nest. And then you know, dive bombing because I know what got me in the bad place and I know what got me here. And I am really happy with what I'm doing.

I have new chapters opening up. In other areas in my life that I've sought out. Like I'm manifesting healthier future projects and I don't want to go back to hurting myself in any way that's like emotionally, physically, I want to continue health. And I love working with kids and I hope to one day, like, you know, share whatever positive messages I can with the next generation, which I really love and believe in.  

Paula

So good. Well, I just wanted to acknowledge, I think you, what you've achieved in six months, I think for many of us, and I include myself in this took, it takes years,  decades sometimes to achieve.

And I think one of the reasons you were able to do that was your commitment. Your deep commitment, your focus, like incredible focus that you had and your willingness to really understand  the why the reasons behind what was happening. It's amazing. Your results are so astonishing.

And I just want to say thank you so much for doing this because I think it will really showcase what is possible for people who are really feeling like they've tried everything. And maybe they just are resigned to living like this and being in all of the food drama and overthinking food all the time.

So I just want to thank you so much for coming and sharing your story because it really, I think it's going to have a good impact. 

Beth

Yeah, it's super meaningful for me. And I guess on paper, it seems like it happened in six months, but it's been, it's been a long road to get here. And I would say this six months worked for me because I was ready.

I was ready mentally to unpack and peel the onion back and look inside. And once I did that and I just gave myself to the process, it was quick because I was ready. I think continuing to do the personal work is really important. It’s something that I'll never stop doing too.

I'll keep doing it.  There's always more, more places to grow.  

Paula

So good. Okay. Thank you again. I really appreciate it. 

Beth

You're so welcome.