Hi and welcome to the Mindful Shape podcast. I’m Paula Parker, and I’m a weight and life coach. Today’s topic is on how other people affect how we think and how we act when it comes specifically to food and our bodies. And I think, especially if you are newer this is really going to shake things up for you a little bit. This might be an episode that you listen to a couple of times to really get your head around it. 

Now there may be more, but here are the main issues that come up when it comes to other people and our weight loss journey as far as I can tell.

1. We think they don’t understand what it’s like for us and what we’re going through

2. We are worried about their thoughts about us in terms of our weight (too fat or too thin) or the food we eat or don’t eat.

3. They comment on our weight loss and we have thoughts and feelings about that OR they don’t comment on our weight loss and we have thoughts and feelings about that

So let’s dive into each of these and unpack them so that we can be aware of how they could be influencing what’s possible for us in terms of goals and how we feel about ourselves. So much of this is running under the surface and we take it for granted - maybe we’ve never even questioned it before. So that’s what I want you to do today - listen for where this might be happening in your brain so that you can decide if it’s something that’s helping you or if it’s something that you want to rethink. 

We think they don’t understand what it’s like for us and what we’re going through

Okay. First, we think that our spouses or friends or family members who don’t have quote food issues don’t understand us. They say things like, it’s easy to lose weight, just eat less and workout more. We don’t feel understood here. We can even feel judged. Like if it’s so easy (and that’s a fact) and we can’t do it - then that means we’re not good enough. We feel inadequate. 

And for them, maybe it is easy to simply not overeat, so it seems really straightforward to them. Just like for us it’s easy to not play video games or not go to the casino. And they haven’t yo yo dieted their whole life and messed up their metabolism and their relationship with food. 

I remember a few months after covid hit and we were all working from home, a friend of mine who’s never had a complicated relationship with food at all, looked at me literally like a deer in headlights when I said people were having a harder time now being at home so much. I was like, yeah we’re working 3 feet from the fridge in our sweatpants and thinking about food more than ever. I was kind of shocked that she was shocked - but for her, it wouldn’t make a difference right - she was just coming from a completely different reference point. 

So if you experience this in your life, where you’re surrounded by people who don’t get you on this, I’m here to say I see you. “It’s easy” is not a fact and making it mean you’re not good enough is not helpful. 

And I want to emphasize here that they are not making you feel not good enough - so we’re not blaming them at all. We want to remember that we are by what we’re making it mean about ourselves. So I don’t recommend that. It’s not a great strategy. So if you have anyone in your life that is telling you it’s easy to lose weight, and that’s not your experience, you get to have a different opinion. You don’t need to try to convince them of anything just as they probably aren’t going to convince you. Don’t rely on them to understand you here. They don’t need to understand what you’re going through. YOU need to understand what you’re going through and validate yourself. 

Or, which is more often the case, they, lovingly, say, you’re perfect the way you are - you’re beautiful and you don’t need to change a thing, now let’s go get dessert. This can be a very tricky one to navigate. Because that’s true. And on some level you know that you're enough already. You don’t need to change - but yet you want to change. And as much as we want to release the weight, dessert does sound good. Plus most of us don’t want other people, especially our spouse or friends to think we’re “not fun” so we go along with it. 

We go to Salt Spring Island a lot and in the summer my husband’s family loves to buy these fruit popsicles. I want you to imagine an island off the west coast - lucious and magical with all the old growth trees and ferns and all of that. That’s what Salt Spring is like. And everywhere you go there are little wooden kiosks at the end of people’s driveways in which they sell veggies, fruit, jam, homemade soap - that kind of thing. And one of these places, tucked away in the woods, makes fruit popsicles. They sell them in a freezer on their property with an open cash box using an honor system - like all the others. And so often in the summertime this is a go to- and I have many a times been the not fun one who doesn’t eat the popsicles. I have tried them and they’re delicious but most of the time I decline. It’s very possible people think I’m less fun because of it. But I’ve decided, that’s okay. I’m really working on caring less what other people think about me - especially when it comes to food and my weight. And another thing I’ll offer here is that you never have to justify it. You never have to tell people you’re trying to lose weight or be healthier or anything. You can simply say no thank you and that’s it.

We are worried about their thoughts about us in terms of our weight (too fat or too thin) or the food we eat or don’t eat.

So that’s point #2 - worrying about what other people think about what we’re eating or not eating. We care about what other people think - that’s normal - it’s part of being a human. AND what’s helped me is thinking about it this way:

Yes we care what others think about us but we get to choose WHO and how much weight we give their opinion. I want you to imagine it like tree rings. You’re in the centre (obviously) and then the next ring in is those who you care most about - for me that’s my husband. Whomever you put on that first ring is who you’ve decided you care most about what they think of you. Next out could be your friends, the rest of your family etc. On the far out rings are people on social media, maybe the person who delivers your mail. I mention that because whenever we get a parcel delivered I find myself noticing what state the yard is in - as if he’s noticing that we didn’t weed the flower beds or something. Like this is what I’m talking about. There is so much static about what other’s think that’s often automatic. Like do I REALLY care what our delivery guy thinks about us - no, well a little if I’m honest but I’m working on that. 

But you get the picture. So when your partner tells you that you look amazing, you get to put a lot of weight in that and believe it. When a former colleague you bump into gives you the elvaltor stare down, you also get to decide how you really care about what she thinks. That’s a little shout out to a client who went through that experience. Is it intense in the moment? For sure, I’m not discounting that. But when we have this framework we can use it to notice we’re giving their opinion more value than we actually want to be doing.

Also notice, like in this example, how often we pretend to know what other’s are thinking about our weight or our food choices. This is called the halo effect I think - in which we think people are paying much more attention to us than they are. It’s like when you’re dancing - I don’t know if you ever experienced this but I know that when I used to go out to bars and dance I kinda thought I was the most amazing dancer and that everyone was noticing. But guess what - probably no one was really noticing because they were thinking about their own dancing! Ugh so embarrassing. I’m cringing a little telling you that but there it is. 

Okay, so where were we? Let’s talk about how what other people say can make us act crazy. So this story I’m going to tell you now is from a conversation I just had yesterday in which this person, who will remain anonymous went to a baby shower in her honor. It was like a post baby shower because she had the baby a few months ago. I dunno - is this a thing now? We have a baby shower pre baby and then another post baby? I’m cleary out of the loop here. 

So she told me about how whether it was in her head or not, she really felt like people were staring at her post baby body - like checking it out. And I don’t think it was all in her head based on her the comments they were making which I’ll share with you. 

But first, can we take a little sidebar here and agree as women, for the sake of woman kind, to error on the side of NOT examining eachother’s bodies? I know it’s hard. I know we are all probably in the habit, especially if you’re super conscious of your own body and size right now, to look - to assess - to make judgments - to notice, to compare. Maybe even to wonder how she eats - I’m not saying ignore - I dont’ really know what I’m saying, but I think we can agree that we know when we are being visually evaluated and we know when we are doing it to other women. I want to propose that we, those of use who are listening to this right now - let’s notice when we are doing it - and it may be subtle - it may not be a full on elevator up and down check out - but when we catch ourselves doing it, to just notice we are doing and redirect. Instead, let’s focus on seeing the person - really taking in that person in that moment, appreciating all that we know about them, even if it’s just their name and the twinkle in their eye, rather than focussing on their body. Having an idealist moment here - but I imagine a world in which women don’t check out, evaluate eachothers bodies and I really like how that world feels. I want to live in that world. I hope you’ll help me create it. Okay soap box over.

So back to the person at the baby shower - her friend had bought here these fancy, expensive cupcakes and were encouraging her to have one. And this person like sweets, eats them but sincerely didn’t want one. We’ve all experience food pushers right? They were saying things like, “you just had a baby you can afford it”.  Isn’t that such an interesting use of language around food. That’s probably a full podcast episode right there. As if there are times when we have the right, or luxury to eat cupcakes - the implication being that there are times or circumstances in which we can’t afford it. It’s not okay. Again, right and wrong. Good and bad. As if food and body mass have inherent morality. They don’t.

And so what do you think this person did - who by the way is not trying to lose weight, she simply didn’t want to cupcake. She said no, but then she felt pressure. She felt guilt. She felt the need to make excuses and explain herself. We can all relate right? We feel uncomfortable, we want to people please. So she said, “I’ll take 2 and take them home for later. I mean, I eat dessert every day.” And she told me it was like an out of body, immediately she saw what she was doing and was like, why am I telling them that? It’s not even true!

We so often feel the need to justify our food decisions and our weight. I remember waayy back when I was working as a cashier and we wore uniforms - just hideous - green polyester pants. And I lost about 15lbs or so and people started commenting and I felt so uncomfortable, I denied it telling them no, no, I just got a new uniform. And I know I’m not the only one doing this because my clients tell me the same thing. Just as they feel uncomfortable being in bigger bodies they feel just as uncomfortable when others notice their weight loss and make comments. 

When I ask why, they’ll say that they don’t want to stand out, they don’t like the attention and they don’t want to be different than anyone else. I think this is human nature and goes back to our core need to belong. We want more than anything to be accepted even at the cost of what we truly want for ourselves. 

So the challenge here it to OWN your truth. The truth of your body - exactly how it is today AND the truth of your food choices without apology. Your truth - and who you know yourself to be may not be pleasing to others. You may disappoint others in service of your dreams, in service of living your truth - the fullest expression of yourself. 

The opportunity here is to decide you are willing to feel the discomfort of that. It’s totally your call. I’m not here to preach to you that you should or shouldn’t act a certain way. My hope is that we can unpack it all, lay it out and then choose consciously how we want to show up in our lives. 

Like who would I have been if when that person commented on my weight loss back then and I said, “yeah-I feel great, thanks for noticing” Probably someone who’s confident, who accepts and celebrates herself right? It’s worth thinking about. Where are you afraid to be seen? What would it be like if you weren’t afraid to be seen?  

Some of you may relate to that - you don’t want the extra attention, you don’t want people to notice or comment on your weight. It’s kind of like we want to just show up in our dream body one day and hope everyone has amnesia and believes we’ve always been this way. We’re worried that if they are noticing it means they are thinking about our weight - and if we feel shame around our bodies that feels very uncomfortable. We think they are doing it wrong - they shouldn’t comment. 

But it’s so funny because I have other clients who are like, “I’ve lost 15lbs and noone’s said a damn thing.” What they’re looking for it validation. Validation of their hard work and validation that their body looks better.  Same thing - we think they’re doing it wrong they SHOULD comment.

So what does this tell us? Whether people comment or not is neutral. It’s what WE think and what we make it mean that determines whether it feels good, neutral or terrible. Your reaction will likely be automatic, especially if you haven’t given this any thought ahead of time. Which I encourage you to do - spend some time in your future body and think about how others might respond to you and how you’re going to handle it. 

It’s okay if it’s automatic and triggers a feeling. We know how to process feelings - if you don’t, check out my last podcast episode for an idea. We can process and then see that it’s really how we’re thinking about it. They don’t know that we are in the camp who doesn’t want them to comment. They dont’ know that we actually DO want them to comment and are disappointed. They are just going to comment or not, and we have zero control over that but we can either tell them what to do or simply manage how we think about it.