Summary

Stuck in “compare & despair”? Learn how to use this mindfulness technique RAIN to manage difficult emotions from overwhelming jealousy to an emotional tsunami. Use it to stop turning to food, and start turning inward.

If you’ve ever found yourself comparing your life with someone else and then feeling terrible, you need to listen to this episode. We’ve all had moments (or days) when our emotions feel overwhelming, whether that’s by getting stuck in “compare and despair,” a bad mood, or a full on emotional tsunami.

In part 1 you’ll learn how to use the RAIN method to help you manage these types of difficult feelings. This practice will rewire your brain from turning to your old coping mechanisms like overeating to help process what’s happening in a healthy way.

Podcast Transcript

Today I want to share with you a very practical method of managing discomfort, specifically anytime in which you get stuck and out of alignment.

By that I mean, fundamentally you are already complete and whole as a human being. But if you are a person in this world, you will get thrown out of alignment with that truth. It’s inevitable. You won't feel complete and whole. You’ll think and feel that you are incomplete. That you aren’t good enough.

For many of us this shows up in a Compare & Despair scenario. We see someone on instagram, maybe they are someone we know or maybe it’s just some random instagram influencer - and they project something we want. A relationship, a super fit body, a new house, a puppy, whatever it is that stirs up some jealousy in you. 

I don’t think anyone is immune from this feeling, but it’s how we manage our thinking that determines whether we go into despair or whether we can go back to neutral or imagine this you guys - even derive inspiration and be genuinely happy for others. Are we reaching? Maybe, but stay with me.

Because, you’ll notice that as you leave your twenties, where things are pretty homogenized, it’s a different reality in your thirties. It’s in your thirties when you start seeing more of a divide in lifestyle. Some of your friends are buying a house and you're still renting. Some are getting married and you’re single. Some are getting promotions and making good money and you’re still trying to figure out what you want to do with your life. We’ve all been there in some respect - when some aspect of our lives felt lacking. 

One of the keys to putting this into perspective is to remember that you are always in the middle. Think of the last time you compared yourself to someone. I’ll bet it was someone who you viewed as having more than you.

This is because when we compare ourselves, we anchor up. Which means to say, you don’t look at the three other friends who are single - you look to the three friends who are with their person. But no matter what, you are always in the middle - there are what, 7 billion people on the planet? There will always be someone who has more than you and someone who has less, someone who has achieved more and who has achieved less, someone who is bigger than you and who is smaller than you. And this is why compare and despair is insidious. 

But you’re thinking, yeah I get it but that doesn’t change how I feel in the moment of my daily jealous rage.

So I want to share a useful tactic to use whenever the moment strikes, so that you can:

a. Shift from feeling like crap and b. Use what you’re experiencing as a way to bring you back into alignment with yourself. Use it to fuel your momentum forward toward getting what you want. 

It’s really a method for managing any discomfort. For me it’s been the one tool besides taking a deep breath that I can actually remember when I’m the thick of it. When my frontal lobe is starting to go offline and my primitive brain is taking over. In those moments it can be hard to switch gears without a lot of effort. So here’s the solution whenever you get stuck.

Whenever you need to deepen attention like when you’re comparing yourself to others. Or if you’re feeling like a failure, or if you’re simply having an internal meltdown sitting in traffic. 

It’s for moments when you’re feeling small, separate and deficient. This can show up a restlessness or anxiety - running away from just being. Going on instagram, snacking. 

If you have worked with me before or listened to the earlier episodes, you’ll be familiar with the practice of Allowing. What I’m about to share with you is very similar. But I want to re-introduce it with a new flavor, in a new light because often we will connect with tools differently, given a slightly new perspective. 

It’s called the RAIN method. I learned it from Tara Brach who has a great podcast that I will link to in the show notes. It’s been used for at least 20 years and was Coined by Senior Vipassana teacher Michelle MacDonald.

I’ll be using Tara’s version here which has an added emphasis on kindness and a variation on what the investigation means. And then I’ll add my own interpretations and style to it. 

In this episode I’ll walk you through the explanation and then in the next episode you’ll get a part 2 in which there will be a guided practice that you can go to whenever you need it. 

If you’ve heard of this or worked with RAIN before, it may be different from what you’re familiar with. But in the variation I’ll be using today, RAIN stands for: Recognize, Allow, Investigate, and Nurture. 

You can practice this in the moment or on the side as a sitting meditation. 

R stands for Recognize.

This pulls our frontal lobe line, so that we’re using higher power functioning to manage our internal state. Simply recognize what’s happening for you in this moment. Ask yourself - what’s happening? Can you name it. 

For example, you may find yourself scrolling on instagram and feeling your energy sinking and sinking until finally you notice you’re in a really bad mood but you don’t even really know why. Instagram is not the enemy here, but it’s a great example for the comparison work. You notice you feel terrible. Ask yourself what is happening? 

Then we move to A for Allowing.

Can you allow this to be here? You are a human, who in a span of a single day will have a wide range of emotion. This is when we allow for whatever is coming up for us to just simply be. We create space for it to be there. 

One of my favorite authors is Elizabeth Gilbert. Side note - you must read The Signature of All Things. Okay, let me paraphrase what she has said in relation to feeling her feelings. She says she thinks of her emotions as little children. She bends down and opens her arms to all of them, invites them in and wraps her arms around them. She says, it’s okay for you to be here. The sad child, the grumpy child, the angry child, the frightened child. She embraces them all. She doesn’t turn her back on them. 

So recognize what’s happening for you, name it and allow it.

Now we get curious.

The I in rain stands for investigation.

Why Investigate? Because whenever we’re suffering it means there’s a limiting belief. For example you can ask yourself, why am I feeling jealous of this person? What is this feeling telling me? Maybe it’s pointing toward something I want. Maybe I need to question - do I really want that thing or is it an impulse - an automatic response?

I have a client who is making tremendous strides in this area of comparison. When she sees women who are extremely fit, she immediately compares her body and concludes that she’s not as attractive - her body isn’t like theirs and isn’t good enough. But through coaching, she’s started to get really skilled at interrupting that thought pattern.

Through investigating her thoughts she realized that she actually doesn’t want to look like that because she doesn’t want to commit to the lifestyle it would require. Fair enough right? But at least now when she starts going down the comparison track, she remembers, I’ve already made up my mind about this. I’m content with my life the way it is. She’s content with her body the way it is right now because she’s focused on other areas of her life. She gets to change her mind about that at any time of course, but now she doesn’t get caught up in the compare and despair. 

So we investigate to uncover our thought loops. It’s important to point out there is no room for judgement here. Notice, my client doesn’t then think she’s not good enough because she’s not willing to do what it takes to have that specific physique. This practice won’t work if you flip into judging what’s happening. Or even how well or poorly you’re doing the RAIN method!

Instead, notice the judgement and intend to be kind to yourself. Throughout the practice it’s important to have the intention of kindness. As Tara says, you can’t manufacture kindness but you can intend it. If you’re like Elizabeth Gilbert, you might want to push those kids down and make a run for it. But try to be kind to them. 

There are often emotions that we’re disconnected from when we’re in the thick of it. When we investigate we can uncover what they are without turning away - turning the distraction of food, or tv or whatever. 

And finally N for nurture.

Ask, what do I need? Now that you’re in a softer, more loving space with yourself, you have access to more information. Maybe there’s something you need to remind yourself. An insight. Something that challenges the limiting belief. Maybe an action comes to mind that you feel inspired to take.

Or maybe it’s simply non-action - that you don’t rip your life apart or scream at your partner in that moment. The action could be as simple as a few calming breaths or it could be committing to a new workout routine.

Now, we’re close to the end so I’ll briefly touch on some challenges that may come up during this practice. One is that you don’t even make it to N. 

That’s ok, you can trust that even asking yourself,  “what is happening?” and “can I be with this” - the lightest version of RAIN is a powerful practice in mindfulness. You are changing your neuro-wiring even with this. Even with Recognizing. 

Maybe you can’t connect with the emotion. That’s okay too. The invitation is what counts. It will unfold itself as it’s meant to. Keep asking, “How does this feel? Where do I feel this?”

I’ll wrap up with a short example from my life:

My husband and I were driving and I was incredibly irritable. For no reason in particular, just generally pissed off, feeling miserable and in a bad mood. 

So we’re stuck in the car and we’re driving. Where am I going to go? What can I do? I’m confined to the car and my own brain. He’s not talking. He’s probably in a bad mood too, but I’m too grumpy to ask or care. 

Fortunately I had enough frontal lobe action to remember the RAIN acronym. I slumped in my seat, stared out the window and asked myself, “What is happening with me right now?”

My brain served up a host of thoughts: I’m pmsing. I don’t want to be here - I’d rather be at home doing something else. I always feel this way. Something is wrong with me that I’m feeling like this for no reason.

Then I placed my hand on my heart - just lightly. I’m still pretty grumpy at this point. But this small gesture brings intimate attention. I dare you to place your hand on your heart and NOT feel just the teensitiest bit of self-compassion.

This allowed me to just be there with the negative emotion. No justification needed for the bad mood. No judgement.

That softened me up enough to investigate. I did a body scan - feeling some butterflies in my stomach. I was actually nervous about the day ahead. It was manifesting as anger - as a bad mood, but it was really fear. 

And that was information I could work with. Okay, what’s the fear about? How do I want to be about this? What do I need to feel safe?  How can I best nurture myself. For me that was expressing how I was feeling with my husband. And we were able to connect. 

This practice provides an opening. A shift. A lightness. What is the lightness? A space of presence. This is how you build self-compassion. And this is how we develop emotional maturity.

Now, I encourage you to see for yourself what this is like by listening to part 2: the RAIN practice. It’s called a practice because we get better at it over time and the more we do it, so you may want to rely on this guide when you’re first starting out. Then in time, you will have it memorized and you can use it anywhere at any time.

If you follow me on instagram at mindful_shape you’ll notice I’ve been quiet lately. That’s because I’ve been busy building a special 6 month program which I’ll be launching in June. It’s individual private coaching, so there will be a limited number of spaces.

It is specialized toward women with an extra 30lbs they want to release. So if this is you and you’ve tried all the diets and you’re ready to stop overeating for good, I want to work with you.

If you’ve been curious about coaching or you would just like to get some more details on this 6 month program, I will reserve a spot for you with no commitment required and send you everything you need to know. That way you can just get the info and decide from there. You can email me at paula@mindfulshape.com or of course contact me through instagram or my website, both of which are in the show notes. 

Enjoy the RAIN practice in part 2, thank you so much for listening and I will talk to you next time.